Full Circle

It seems we've come full circle. I sit here in Miami, graduated, with Hanna and Savy. Hanna's home. That's what I think, but that's not true, because things feel different. Though I love having Hanna in D.C., my life now is very different from our life together, and that's okay.

I was so scared of things changing. But I've come to see that progression is necessary and a part of life. New experiences and people have given me different perspective on my life and who I am. So I have given into the unexpected changes. I'm going to Engineering school in Boston, the harder but better choice. My relationship with Savy still evolving, and I believe it will be just as good as before.

Without sounding to sappy & cliche, yet still get my point across. I've grown up a little bit, experienced more of my fears and realized life continues to get a bit better.

The Happiest Hostess of Them All

These days I surprise myself by just how damn happy I am. Frankly, I've never been this happy. Yes shit still goes down in my life, but I'm okay. I'm terrified of fucking this all up, but knowing me I don't think I will, only obsess on the fact that it's a possibility. My senior prom was on Saturday and I had an absolute ball. I spent the day getting ready with Savy, Charlotte, and the crew. I'm stunned by how much a year changes people. I keep walking around Field thinking of how god damn beautiful it is and how lucky and privileged I am to have been there for six year. Having said that I am ready to leave. 38 days. 38 fucking days till graduation.

I'm in awe. In six years I've become a completely different person. Who will I be four years from now, when I graduate for Northeastern? At this point in my life I know Field and DC so well, I'm completely comfortable with both places and know exactly what I can and can't get away with. But very soon I'm moving to a new city where I haven't got a clue. I've never set foot in Boston let alone the school I'm going to. I'm excited and scared. This was just soooo not the plan, it's funny how life changes so fast. I was meant to be going to engineering school in England, and become friends with the high society children of London. And now..... I will remain a Yank. I do hope though that I move to England one day, I believe it's meant to happen. I think going to an American school is the right thing for me to do, just the harder decision to make. And if it's meant to be I will end up there. Please let it be meant to be. 

April Showers Bring...

      May flowers, or so they say. So far all we've really gotten in a continuation of April showers, but that doesn't mean the mood hasn't changed. I can't believe a month has passed since spring break. Things are changing ever so rapidly.  I'm going to college, and I'm nervous but also so damn excited. Excited to get to know a new city and new people. But it's bitter sweet. I've made all these friends, people I truly believe I could be friends with for a very long time to come, but why couldn't this have happened earlier? And then there's Savy..... 

      We had a confrontation on Tuesday, and I finally said what I had needed to say for months. It all began the day before when I was having my picture taken, for my senior poem book. Sidney was taking my photograph, at "Top of the World" when Savy showed up and began searched for a place to take her photos. As I climbed up from the little valley, when my photo shoot ended, I saw Ausar walked down the street. I didn't say anything to him and vaguely made clear to Savy I wasn't too pleased to have not have gotten a heads up. However when I got home I slowly began to get angrier and angrier about the situation. So I sent her a text message, accusing her of not having any respect for me, my feelings or our friendship. My anger was in immediate response to the situation but really stemmed for several things.
      We had the first conversation during break the next day, which left me feeling even angrier. And then during yearbook Savy was her lovely irritating self and began to throw tiny pieces of paper at me until I asked our teacher if we could leave because "the tension in the classroom was getting to me and I needed to fix it." And so we talked this time quite honestly. I told her I hadn't been happy with our relationship for a few months (gawd that makes us sound like such a married couple). And she said she had realized. We talked about how I had become friends with the crew, and that she didn't feel as much a part of it. I replied that she was always welcome to hangout with us, and that they felt she was part of the group. However because she also spent time with Ausar and his people, she wasn't as close to the crew she didn't spend as much time with them as I did. I made clear I wasn't going to wait for her anymore though. I had to live my life. Just because she was with Ausar didn't mean I was going to put my life on pause. And then we promised to make more of an effort to see each other.
      And then Ausar really came up in conversation. Apparently he told Savy, after seeing me, that she had to choose between me and him. And she had responded by saying "you don't want me to choose." As she told me this I was a bit taken a back. If you had asked me earlier who did I think she would choose I wouldn't have known who to say. But I also would never ask her to pick. And I told her that. She then continued to explain why she could choose me, crying, and making me tear up a bit. And then our teacher came out. He was sweet and told us we just had to make the effort to see each other and we agreed. But I left feeling so much better.
     Later that night I worked and Savy asked me to sleepover. The last thing I wanted to do was have a sleepover but I remembered the conversation earlier and wanted to demonstrate that I was making the effort so I did. I'm glad. We spoke one more time about everything and I felt totally at ease. Making our friendship work in the next few years is going to be hard I realize now, but we can do it. And I've come to the conclusion that Ausar is a sad person, who won't remain in Savy's life for much longer. So I'll tolerate it. I won't be a part of it I just will continue to not invest my emotions in it, because boys will come in and out of our lives but she will always be my best friend. Yes, I do realize how cheesy that sounds. 

The Women Of The Island

I'm on the island (Key Biscayne) for our traditional spring break. However this year it's a bit strange because it's not the trio but me and Savy and tomorrow Anna, a friend from school, will join us. I kind of felt like we were betraying Hanna at first, but have soon gotten over that. Anyway, I have forgotten how strange and odd the women of this island are....

On our first day Savy and I decided to go on a date first getting mani pedis and then out to South Beach for dinner. While we were at the salon the women proceeded to talk about us in Spanish, assuming that neither of us knew what they were saying. I do admit we were late, however, in my book that is never okay. If you feel the need to talk shit about me don't do it to my face, in a passive aggressive manner, do it when I leave. Or say it in English to my face.

The next night we went to a party on the island. To my surprise it wasn't a preppy hispanic party where the girls wouldn't talk to us but a pretentious UM party with a bunch of hipsters where no girls would talk to us. However, being the epic duo that Savy and I are we still had fun. But, why don't girls like us? We're fun and open people.

Anyway for the moment it's fine. No matter what we always make the best of our situation and we'll have an epic vacation. But I guarantee you one thing, two actually, I'll never go back to that salon and I'll never turn into one of those Spanish women at the Salon, I'm better than that.

Inspiration & Fudge Sundae

After a long long day at work I finally caved in and got the ice cream sunday I've spent the last three weeks dreaming about. And what better place to go that Thomas Sweet in Georgetown. They make their hot fudge homemade and their ice cream too. It was a very lovely evening. As I waited in line a saw a family with a very cute baby and later on sat at next table to them. Just as they were leaving some girl asked the woman if she was the author of the rockstar diaries. The lady responded "yes." I pretended to know what this girl was talking about but in reality hadn't a clue. So when I got home I checked her out. This woman is brilliant. And has made me reconsider this blog of mine. What is it's purpose? Does even seem cohesive. So things may change, I think I'm inspired. 

It Just Keeps Getting Better & Better

My day started really well. I slept in until eleven o'clock, I haven't done that in months. I then went shopping and took myself out to an amazing expensive lunch. And after that I went home for a nap. Sounds good right? Well after that it just gets worse. I had work today, and it too started really well. But then my mum texted me to say my letter from Vanderbilt arrived. She asked if she could open it, and I said no. I wanted to read it if I was rejected. But then the night continued on and knowing the letter was just sitting on my glass table at home started to nag at me. So I asked my mum to open it, but of course at this point her phone is off and so is broski. So I wait for a few hours preparing myself to open it at home. But then I got a text from my mum saying I didn't get it. And to be honest I was really upset, I still am.

All of a sudden I have all these emotions running through me, and I wanna cry. I keep thinking about Brad and then Vandi, between the two I feel like a mess. But then Charlotte started texting me and we've made plans to meet up this week, and I get excited. I wish Savy would call me back, or even respond to my texts. If she were going through what I am right now I would totally be there for her. So why isn't she here for me now? I know she's in Miami but even from there she can pick up the FUCKING phone and ask me how I'm doing. God knows I've spent plenty of nights dealing with her Ausar bullshit. I feel like she owes me now.

Anyway for now I don't feel so hot. But I do realize I have gotten into two great schools (Syracuse and Northeastern) and things will keep getting better and better. 

After Sixteen Months of Bullshit......

After sixteen months of bullshit Brad and I are done. I don't want that to sounds aggressive or even like we were an item, because we weren't, but we're done. What a contradiction of a sentence. After feeling like an asshole all day I apologized. And later said to him, in our brief conversation, that this was not what I wanted.

What did I want? What do I want? He seemed so thoughtful and sincere when he asked me if he had done something wrong to upset me. And then when I told him things were done. He apologized for his caviler attitude toward fucking not being becoming of him. Did he mean it? Why didn't we become something more? And why do I care so much when he clearly doesn't. Or maybe I'm just scared. I'm terrified no one will ever want me. But I know that's just in my head and that this fear is just irrational, and I will get over it.

Anyway it's funny to think that Savy wasn't the person I talked to about this, but Rico. Maybe things are shifting a bit more. Maybe this will shift me towards something good and new.

But for now I feel a little sad. It's an end of an era.