Do My Antics Make Me A Bad Person?

I feel awful. I feel like a complete asshole of a human being, but am I really? Probably. Last night I was going to hang out with Rico, someone I've known for awhile but become friends with again recently. Just as Rico began to bail Brad texted wanting to "hangout out." I said yes. And then got a text from Rico saying he could hangout out with me and his guys. So I told Brad to stop driving it was going to be awhile before we could hangout. And then it turns out he was on my street. I had previously told him I was having a family birthday, and that it was going to take hours so he should leave and I would text him later. Meanwhile Rico's friends, Bobby & Will, had called me to say they were on their way to pick me up. So I left and hung out with them, where upon Rico officially bailed on us. Well the three of us smoked hung out and decided to get food. This is where it gets messy. After ordering my food who happens to walk in, but Brad. Did he see me, I think so, but I am not positive. Anyway the boys started to talk about the preppy douche. Who was this preppy douche you ask, none other than Brad. I just sat in silence eating my burger. When I finally had the guts to turn my head around he wasn't there.

So the question I pose. Am I really an asshole for blowing off Brad, someone who just wanted to fuck me? Or is it okay because I'm trying to make new friends? Or maybe this is just my false justification for my behavior. 

Check Me Out With My Work Clothes & Money

So it's 12:45 and I just got home from work. Ahhh it's been a very long week, even though I only had four days of school. I've been dealing with readjusting to coming back home, we've had a guest staying at our house, and there's been a crisis in yearbook. Anyway I went to school today, left a little early, and immediately started an eight hour work shift.

I look back to two months ago when I was nervous about waitressing and I laugh a little. I still get a little nervous when I'm with the customers or before a big shift, but it's not as scary as I thought it would be. There is something so amazingly satisfying about walking out of work with a hundred and fifty dollars cash, in your back pocket, and having it all be money you made on that one shift. It's liberating!

On my walk home tonight I was taken aback by how beautiful the cathedral looked in the dark and then I remembered how amazing this city is. I absolutely love it! And then a nice looking guy said hi to me in a cute flirty kind of way, which totalled boosted my self esteem. You know you're looking good when someone starts to check you out even though you're wearing a hideous work outfit. 

My Afternoon

I'm back home and as I began to unpack earlier I realized how much my trip has impacted me. I'm starting to realize how much things are going to change. I feel relieved, terrified, excited, overwhelmed. I can begin to picture my life in England which creates a swirl of emotions within. But as I unpack I also acknowledge the fact that for the first time I can control the pace of my life and that I must treasure the time I have left in DC. Whether I stay for another 6 months of 12 I need to really appreciate it I think.

I can't believe graduation is just 14 weeks away, that's less than 4 months! And so for the next 40 days I'm going to work towards a better me, it's Lent also. I don't want to have any regrets when I leave Field. I think what I need to do is just keep my head down and work. If I do that I think I can leave feeling very
accomplished.

The picture below shows my schedule for the day. I find that senioritis is striking me and the ability want or even do work is increasingly decreasing. I have to get my shit together and so I have taken to writing lists.

Now at 8:20 I have yet to complete my physics but I have done my reading. Let's see how much I actually do. I also start boot camp in the morning, and am still jet lagged. Oh god, I hope I get everything done?!

Leaving Stockholm

Once again I'm leaving Stockholm and Hanna. This time there are no plans to return within the next month, but that's okay. I've realized that the next time I come back to this wonderful country my life will be completely different. And so I must spend the next 3 1/2 months focusing on finishing the school year on a positive note. I know that sounds totally cheesy and corn, but it is totally true. I've put in too much work and lost too much sleep to just throw away my last few months at school. It's going to be a struggle I know, but the end result will be so great. I'm off to London now to spend some time with my Aunt and interview with the Universities that I've applied to. Ohhhh God I hope I get into one of them. I've been rejected by two and now have two left. The odds are terrifying and my nerves are shot! Leaving now. Will write more later.

xx 

The Problem With Flying.... You Can't Fart

OK. So I went to Sweden, came back, turned eighteen, and now I'm in Oxford. Ohhh so much has happened and I promise I will update you, but I just wanted to say I'm visiting Hanna in Stockholm once again. A little more than a month after I left. Oh my dear I feel like such a jet setter sometimes, but I'm not actually. Sometimes you just have to see the people that you love. Even if that means flying 4000 miles to see them. The only problem with that is that you can't fart in a plane. Have you ever thought about that? On a plane if you have to fart you can't only because everyone will know it came from you, since you're in such a tight place and all. Anyway I know it's quite apparent that I'm not my usual self, since it is 4 in the morning and I'm totally drunk, but we're not telling anyone are we? I'll update you more later on the major epic events that have been my life in the last 2 months.

xx me 

And So A Year Ends & New One Begins....

What a year it has been. For the last few years I've always been happy and grateful for the year to end, having been filled with: pain, suffering, and drama. And though this year has had its fair share of family drama I've discovered more about who I am and who I want to be. Though Hanna may have left there has been no tragedy in my life and I am no longer dealing with the aftermath of what happened to me.

In recap: The year started off with of family drama and ending, I believe, with some kind of family peace. Us three siblings finally met Pierre Timothy Bergen a few days after Christmas, however, as the Bergen way, there was of course some kind of drama. The morning of the meeting I woke up to my mum screaming and unfairly questioning with whom our (us kids) loyalties lay. In the end though all that matters is that we met him and I believe a new bridge has been made between our families. I see things getting better and not worse.

I sent out all my American university applications today and plan on my return home sending my English applications. It still all seems so surreal. Having Charlie home made me realize that I'm really growing up, and I'm beginning to get slightly scared. Though I haven't need my mum for awhile it's been nice knowing she's there. All of a sudden I'm going to be sent into the big bad world all by myself. What if I can't make it?

I'm sitting at the airport writing this and it's starting to hit me that in 24 hours I'm going to see Hanna. Ahhhh I'm so excited!  I haven't really allowed myself to becomes excited until now. I've been missing her so much recently, it amazes me that I haven't seen her in four months. I can't wait for the "unholy trinity" to be together again. Ohhh the trouble we will get into in Stockholm!

And so I say goodbye to 2011 and hello 2012, I know you will be a good year! 

And So Second Semester Year Begins....

I finished my last exam and I am on VACATION! The next time I show up at school I'll be 18, legal. Woooohhh things are a changing. I'm so excited; I'm seeing Charlie in five days, my aunt and uncle are coming into town for Christmas, I'm sending in my applications, and I'm seeing Hanna in 16 days! It's unbelievable to think that when I first started writing this Hanna was still in town.

It slightly terrifies me because I'm becoming so aware of how much things are changing, how much we're actually growing up. I feel I'm being faced with more responsibilities these days, that my actions can really impact others. I know that sounds stupid to say since we learn this lesson at a very early age, but this time my actions have bigger ramifications.

My eighth grader at school, told me some stuff today, and I don't know what to do with this information. Well, actually I do. I have to talk to her head of middle school, but I don't want to do anything that might hurt our relationship. I fell slightly bad breaking her trust, but I think in this situation I need to. It's like the Savy and Ausar situation.

Today I nearly told her that the reason her parents found out about him being in the ghetto shelter was because of me. But then I remembered her parents asking me not to. And the fact that Savy would hate me for this. But this was in her best intrest, and we're family. Family protects family even when the other doesn't even realize they're helping them. I know to most this wouldn't seem like a very valid excuse. But in my head it makes complete sense.

Unfortunately I have some last minute shit to finish up. But I'm going to do it in the next few days rather than later, so that I can fully enjoy Christmas & Charlie's return. I know I won't get very many gifts but I don't really care. I can't remember the last time I was this excited for Christmas!

And Second Semester Senior Begins with a very good start..... More to come.