Inspiration & Fudge Sundae

After a long long day at work I finally caved in and got the ice cream sunday I've spent the last three weeks dreaming about. And what better place to go that Thomas Sweet in Georgetown. They make their hot fudge homemade and their ice cream too. It was a very lovely evening. As I waited in line a saw a family with a very cute baby and later on sat at next table to them. Just as they were leaving some girl asked the woman if she was the author of the rockstar diaries. The lady responded "yes." I pretended to know what this girl was talking about but in reality hadn't a clue. So when I got home I checked her out. This woman is brilliant. And has made me reconsider this blog of mine. What is it's purpose? Does even seem cohesive. So things may change, I think I'm inspired. 

It Just Keeps Getting Better & Better

My day started really well. I slept in until eleven o'clock, I haven't done that in months. I then went shopping and took myself out to an amazing expensive lunch. And after that I went home for a nap. Sounds good right? Well after that it just gets worse. I had work today, and it too started really well. But then my mum texted me to say my letter from Vanderbilt arrived. She asked if she could open it, and I said no. I wanted to read it if I was rejected. But then the night continued on and knowing the letter was just sitting on my glass table at home started to nag at me. So I asked my mum to open it, but of course at this point her phone is off and so is broski. So I wait for a few hours preparing myself to open it at home. But then I got a text from my mum saying I didn't get it. And to be honest I was really upset, I still am.

All of a sudden I have all these emotions running through me, and I wanna cry. I keep thinking about Brad and then Vandi, between the two I feel like a mess. But then Charlotte started texting me and we've made plans to meet up this week, and I get excited. I wish Savy would call me back, or even respond to my texts. If she were going through what I am right now I would totally be there for her. So why isn't she here for me now? I know she's in Miami but even from there she can pick up the FUCKING phone and ask me how I'm doing. God knows I've spent plenty of nights dealing with her Ausar bullshit. I feel like she owes me now.

Anyway for now I don't feel so hot. But I do realize I have gotten into two great schools (Syracuse and Northeastern) and things will keep getting better and better. 

After Sixteen Months of Bullshit......

After sixteen months of bullshit Brad and I are done. I don't want that to sounds aggressive or even like we were an item, because we weren't, but we're done. What a contradiction of a sentence. After feeling like an asshole all day I apologized. And later said to him, in our brief conversation, that this was not what I wanted.

What did I want? What do I want? He seemed so thoughtful and sincere when he asked me if he had done something wrong to upset me. And then when I told him things were done. He apologized for his caviler attitude toward fucking not being becoming of him. Did he mean it? Why didn't we become something more? And why do I care so much when he clearly doesn't. Or maybe I'm just scared. I'm terrified no one will ever want me. But I know that's just in my head and that this fear is just irrational, and I will get over it.

Anyway it's funny to think that Savy wasn't the person I talked to about this, but Rico. Maybe things are shifting a bit more. Maybe this will shift me towards something good and new.

But for now I feel a little sad. It's an end of an era. 

Do My Antics Make Me A Bad Person?

I feel awful. I feel like a complete asshole of a human being, but am I really? Probably. Last night I was going to hang out with Rico, someone I've known for awhile but become friends with again recently. Just as Rico began to bail Brad texted wanting to "hangout out." I said yes. And then got a text from Rico saying he could hangout out with me and his guys. So I told Brad to stop driving it was going to be awhile before we could hangout. And then it turns out he was on my street. I had previously told him I was having a family birthday, and that it was going to take hours so he should leave and I would text him later. Meanwhile Rico's friends, Bobby & Will, had called me to say they were on their way to pick me up. So I left and hung out with them, where upon Rico officially bailed on us. Well the three of us smoked hung out and decided to get food. This is where it gets messy. After ordering my food who happens to walk in, but Brad. Did he see me, I think so, but I am not positive. Anyway the boys started to talk about the preppy douche. Who was this preppy douche you ask, none other than Brad. I just sat in silence eating my burger. When I finally had the guts to turn my head around he wasn't there.

So the question I pose. Am I really an asshole for blowing off Brad, someone who just wanted to fuck me? Or is it okay because I'm trying to make new friends? Or maybe this is just my false justification for my behavior. 

Check Me Out With My Work Clothes & Money

So it's 12:45 and I just got home from work. Ahhh it's been a very long week, even though I only had four days of school. I've been dealing with readjusting to coming back home, we've had a guest staying at our house, and there's been a crisis in yearbook. Anyway I went to school today, left a little early, and immediately started an eight hour work shift.

I look back to two months ago when I was nervous about waitressing and I laugh a little. I still get a little nervous when I'm with the customers or before a big shift, but it's not as scary as I thought it would be. There is something so amazingly satisfying about walking out of work with a hundred and fifty dollars cash, in your back pocket, and having it all be money you made on that one shift. It's liberating!

On my walk home tonight I was taken aback by how beautiful the cathedral looked in the dark and then I remembered how amazing this city is. I absolutely love it! And then a nice looking guy said hi to me in a cute flirty kind of way, which totalled boosted my self esteem. You know you're looking good when someone starts to check you out even though you're wearing a hideous work outfit. 

My Afternoon

I'm back home and as I began to unpack earlier I realized how much my trip has impacted me. I'm starting to realize how much things are going to change. I feel relieved, terrified, excited, overwhelmed. I can begin to picture my life in England which creates a swirl of emotions within. But as I unpack I also acknowledge the fact that for the first time I can control the pace of my life and that I must treasure the time I have left in DC. Whether I stay for another 6 months of 12 I need to really appreciate it I think.

I can't believe graduation is just 14 weeks away, that's less than 4 months! And so for the next 40 days I'm going to work towards a better me, it's Lent also. I don't want to have any regrets when I leave Field. I think what I need to do is just keep my head down and work. If I do that I think I can leave feeling very
accomplished.

The picture below shows my schedule for the day. I find that senioritis is striking me and the ability want or even do work is increasingly decreasing. I have to get my shit together and so I have taken to writing lists.

Now at 8:20 I have yet to complete my physics but I have done my reading. Let's see how much I actually do. I also start boot camp in the morning, and am still jet lagged. Oh god, I hope I get everything done?!

Leaving Stockholm

Once again I'm leaving Stockholm and Hanna. This time there are no plans to return within the next month, but that's okay. I've realized that the next time I come back to this wonderful country my life will be completely different. And so I must spend the next 3 1/2 months focusing on finishing the school year on a positive note. I know that sounds totally cheesy and corn, but it is totally true. I've put in too much work and lost too much sleep to just throw away my last few months at school. It's going to be a struggle I know, but the end result will be so great. I'm off to London now to spend some time with my Aunt and interview with the Universities that I've applied to. Ohhhh God I hope I get into one of them. I've been rejected by two and now have two left. The odds are terrifying and my nerves are shot! Leaving now. Will write more later.

xx