Friday, December 30, 2011

And So A Year Ends & New One Begins....

What a year it has been. For the last few years I've always been happy and grateful for the year to end, having been filled with: pain, suffering, and drama. And though this year has had its fair share of family drama I've discovered more about who I am and who I want to be. Though Hanna may have left there has been no tragedy in my life and I am no longer dealing with the aftermath of what happened to me.

In recap: The year started off with of family drama and ending, I believe, with some kind of family peace. Us three siblings finally met Pierre Timothy Bergen a few days after Christmas, however, as the Bergen way, there was of course some kind of drama. The morning of the meeting I woke up to my mum screaming and unfairly questioning with whom our (us kids) loyalties lay. In the end though all that matters is that we met him and I believe a new bridge has been made between our families. I see things getting better and not worse.

I sent out all my American university applications today and plan on my return home sending my English applications. It still all seems so surreal. Having Charlie home made me realize that I'm really growing up, and I'm beginning to get slightly scared. Though I haven't need my mum for awhile it's been nice knowing she's there. All of a sudden I'm going to be sent into the big bad world all by myself. What if I can't make it?

I'm sitting at the airport writing this and it's starting to hit me that in 24 hours I'm going to see Hanna. Ahhhh I'm so excited!  I haven't really allowed myself to becomes excited until now. I've been missing her so much recently, it amazes me that I haven't seen her in four months. I can't wait for the "unholy trinity" to be together again. Ohhh the trouble we will get into in Stockholm!

And so I say goodbye to 2011 and hello 2012, I know you will be a good year! 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

And So Second Semester Year Begins....

I finished my last exam and I am on VACATION! The next time I show up at school I'll be 18, legal. Woooohhh things are a changing. I'm so excited; I'm seeing Charlie in five days, my aunt and uncle are coming into town for Christmas, I'm sending in my applications, and I'm seeing Hanna in 16 days! It's unbelievable to think that when I first started writing this Hanna was still in town.

It slightly terrifies me because I'm becoming so aware of how much things are changing, how much we're actually growing up. I feel I'm being faced with more responsibilities these days, that my actions can really impact others. I know that sounds stupid to say since we learn this lesson at a very early age, but this time my actions have bigger ramifications.

My eighth grader at school, told me some stuff today, and I don't know what to do with this information. Well, actually I do. I have to talk to her head of middle school, but I don't want to do anything that might hurt our relationship. I fell slightly bad breaking her trust, but I think in this situation I need to. It's like the Savy and Ausar situation.

Today I nearly told her that the reason her parents found out about him being in the ghetto shelter was because of me. But then I remembered her parents asking me not to. And the fact that Savy would hate me for this. But this was in her best intrest, and we're family. Family protects family even when the other doesn't even realize they're helping them. I know to most this wouldn't seem like a very valid excuse. But in my head it makes complete sense.

Unfortunately I have some last minute shit to finish up. But I'm going to do it in the next few days rather than later, so that I can fully enjoy Christmas & Charlie's return. I know I won't get very many gifts but I don't really care. I can't remember the last time I was this excited for Christmas!

And Second Semester Senior Begins with a very good start..... More to come. 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Times Are A Changing

Yesterday I took the ACT, my last of numerous exams to get into university, and it really hit me how much things are about to change. I've been thinking about growing up for years and what life is going to look like beyond D.C. but I was so taken off guard when I realized it is actually happening. However, this realization made me consider some other things in my life. I really and truly want to become an engineer, which means I can't fuck my life.

Step One: Stop smoking weed. Yesterday was the second time I smoked in 7 weeks, I had a tiny moment of weakness last week after my SAT IIs went horribly. But I'm really proud of myself. I for the most part stuck to my promise and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. There were a few fleeting moments where I could have killed for a J but I don't really want that anymore.

Step Two: Love Savy but realize she is not going down the same path as me. Yesterday we had the conversation with most couples in our grade have together when they talk about life after high school. To be honest I don't think we quite finished it, our high asses, but I do think it opened the doors to future conversations.  Savy, bless her soul, will always be a little bit of a mess. And I hope with time she will sort herself out, but I can't continue trying to fix all her problems. I think I am the last person to realize that in many ways. Jaime & Cindy know that Savy's a wild card they told me so last week but it's one of the hardest things to accept. I hate watching her run her life amuck but I can't keep trying to save her, it's exhausting, all I can do is love her. As horrible and as hard as this is to admit to myself I see myself distancing myself from her. Yesterday I told her "we are family & that I loved her" and I meant that. She agreed but had no knowing of why I was saying that. Yesterday I nearly told her a secret that would rock our friendship but I knew not to, because we our family my job is to protect her even when she doesn't realize she needs it. Maybe that's how I justify my behavior. I will always be there for her, but I will no longer participate in her trajectory downwards.

Savy has never been very good at lying to me and yesterday I realized she was hiding something from me. She was getting our friend, Rosie (who I'm half friends with) to write her English paper for her. Savy excused her behavior by stating that she had just been overwhelmed with studying for her Algebra II exam. In all honest if she hadn't been fucking about getting high almost everyday and going to see Ausar she would have been able to write the paper, study, and do other homework. That's what most people do, Savy just doesn't have her priorities set.  In the past I would have resented her for this behavior, because I know she'll get away with it and never learn. But now I just don't care. I made clear to her I was not responsible for any of this and if she were to get caught I would not be accountable in any kind of way. Sometimes all I wish was for Savy to get in real trouble and face some real consequences, because until then she'll never learn. I love Savy but I've come to accept that I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm sad that it's come to this but I'm grown up enough now to know this what needs to happen.

Step Three: I made a promise to myself last march that before I graduated I would run a half marathon. And that's what I'm going to do. On March 17, 2012 I will be running my first of many half marathons, I hope. I think this will help me get my together, look hot for university, and help me in the beginning stages of quitting weed.

Step Four: Make more friends. Spending more time with new people will help me break away from Savy a bit.