Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Times Are A Changing

Yesterday I took the ACT, my last of numerous exams to get into university, and it really hit me how much things are about to change. I've been thinking about growing up for years and what life is going to look like beyond D.C. but I was so taken off guard when I realized it is actually happening. However, this realization made me consider some other things in my life. I really and truly want to become an engineer, which means I can't fuck my life.

Step One: Stop smoking weed. Yesterday was the second time I smoked in 7 weeks, I had a tiny moment of weakness last week after my SAT IIs went horribly. But I'm really proud of myself. I for the most part stuck to my promise and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. There were a few fleeting moments where I could have killed for a J but I don't really want that anymore.

Step Two: Love Savy but realize she is not going down the same path as me. Yesterday we had the conversation with most couples in our grade have together when they talk about life after high school. To be honest I don't think we quite finished it, our high asses, but I do think it opened the doors to future conversations.  Savy, bless her soul, will always be a little bit of a mess. And I hope with time she will sort herself out, but I can't continue trying to fix all her problems. I think I am the last person to realize that in many ways. Jaime & Cindy know that Savy's a wild card they told me so last week but it's one of the hardest things to accept. I hate watching her run her life amuck but I can't keep trying to save her, it's exhausting, all I can do is love her. As horrible and as hard as this is to admit to myself I see myself distancing myself from her. Yesterday I told her "we are family & that I loved her" and I meant that. She agreed but had no knowing of why I was saying that. Yesterday I nearly told her a secret that would rock our friendship but I knew not to, because we our family my job is to protect her even when she doesn't realize she needs it. Maybe that's how I justify my behavior. I will always be there for her, but I will no longer participate in her trajectory downwards.

Savy has never been very good at lying to me and yesterday I realized she was hiding something from me. She was getting our friend, Rosie (who I'm half friends with) to write her English paper for her. Savy excused her behavior by stating that she had just been overwhelmed with studying for her Algebra II exam. In all honest if she hadn't been fucking about getting high almost everyday and going to see Ausar she would have been able to write the paper, study, and do other homework. That's what most people do, Savy just doesn't have her priorities set.  In the past I would have resented her for this behavior, because I know she'll get away with it and never learn. But now I just don't care. I made clear to her I was not responsible for any of this and if she were to get caught I would not be accountable in any kind of way. Sometimes all I wish was for Savy to get in real trouble and face some real consequences, because until then she'll never learn. I love Savy but I've come to accept that I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm sad that it's come to this but I'm grown up enough now to know this what needs to happen.

Step Three: I made a promise to myself last march that before I graduated I would run a half marathon. And that's what I'm going to do. On March 17, 2012 I will be running my first of many half marathons, I hope. I think this will help me get my together, look hot for university, and help me in the beginning stages of quitting weed.

Step Four: Make more friends. Spending more time with new people will help me break away from Savy a bit. 

No comments:

Post a Comment