The Happiest Hostess of Them All

These days I surprise myself by just how damn happy I am. Frankly, I've never been this happy. Yes shit still goes down in my life, but I'm okay. I'm terrified of fucking this all up, but knowing me I don't think I will, only obsess on the fact that it's a possibility. My senior prom was on Saturday and I had an absolute ball. I spent the day getting ready with Savy, Charlotte, and the crew. I'm stunned by how much a year changes people. I keep walking around Field thinking of how god damn beautiful it is and how lucky and privileged I am to have been there for six year. Having said that I am ready to leave. 38 days. 38 fucking days till graduation.

I'm in awe. In six years I've become a completely different person. Who will I be four years from now, when I graduate for Northeastern? At this point in my life I know Field and DC so well, I'm completely comfortable with both places and know exactly what I can and can't get away with. But very soon I'm moving to a new city where I haven't got a clue. I've never set foot in Boston let alone the school I'm going to. I'm excited and scared. This was just soooo not the plan, it's funny how life changes so fast. I was meant to be going to engineering school in England, and become friends with the high society children of London. And now..... I will remain a Yank. I do hope though that I move to England one day, I believe it's meant to happen. I think going to an American school is the right thing for me to do, just the harder decision to make. And if it's meant to be I will end up there. Please let it be meant to be. 

April Showers Bring...

      May flowers, or so they say. So far all we've really gotten in a continuation of April showers, but that doesn't mean the mood hasn't changed. I can't believe a month has passed since spring break. Things are changing ever so rapidly.  I'm going to college, and I'm nervous but also so damn excited. Excited to get to know a new city and new people. But it's bitter sweet. I've made all these friends, people I truly believe I could be friends with for a very long time to come, but why couldn't this have happened earlier? And then there's Savy..... 

      We had a confrontation on Tuesday, and I finally said what I had needed to say for months. It all began the day before when I was having my picture taken, for my senior poem book. Sidney was taking my photograph, at "Top of the World" when Savy showed up and began searched for a place to take her photos. As I climbed up from the little valley, when my photo shoot ended, I saw Ausar walked down the street. I didn't say anything to him and vaguely made clear to Savy I wasn't too pleased to have not have gotten a heads up. However when I got home I slowly began to get angrier and angrier about the situation. So I sent her a text message, accusing her of not having any respect for me, my feelings or our friendship. My anger was in immediate response to the situation but really stemmed for several things.
      We had the first conversation during break the next day, which left me feeling even angrier. And then during yearbook Savy was her lovely irritating self and began to throw tiny pieces of paper at me until I asked our teacher if we could leave because "the tension in the classroom was getting to me and I needed to fix it." And so we talked this time quite honestly. I told her I hadn't been happy with our relationship for a few months (gawd that makes us sound like such a married couple). And she said she had realized. We talked about how I had become friends with the crew, and that she didn't feel as much a part of it. I replied that she was always welcome to hangout with us, and that they felt she was part of the group. However because she also spent time with Ausar and his people, she wasn't as close to the crew she didn't spend as much time with them as I did. I made clear I wasn't going to wait for her anymore though. I had to live my life. Just because she was with Ausar didn't mean I was going to put my life on pause. And then we promised to make more of an effort to see each other.
      And then Ausar really came up in conversation. Apparently he told Savy, after seeing me, that she had to choose between me and him. And she had responded by saying "you don't want me to choose." As she told me this I was a bit taken a back. If you had asked me earlier who did I think she would choose I wouldn't have known who to say. But I also would never ask her to pick. And I told her that. She then continued to explain why she could choose me, crying, and making me tear up a bit. And then our teacher came out. He was sweet and told us we just had to make the effort to see each other and we agreed. But I left feeling so much better.
     Later that night I worked and Savy asked me to sleepover. The last thing I wanted to do was have a sleepover but I remembered the conversation earlier and wanted to demonstrate that I was making the effort so I did. I'm glad. We spoke one more time about everything and I felt totally at ease. Making our friendship work in the next few years is going to be hard I realize now, but we can do it. And I've come to the conclusion that Ausar is a sad person, who won't remain in Savy's life for much longer. So I'll tolerate it. I won't be a part of it I just will continue to not invest my emotions in it, because boys will come in and out of our lives but she will always be my best friend. Yes, I do realize how cheesy that sounds.