A Desire To Be Intellectual

I find myself craving to become an intellectual. In all honesty it has completely caught me off guard. My my it amazes me how people can change so much. It wouldn't necessarily call myself shallow, but it's a character I can easily portray. It's a character in many ways I have forced upon myself due to family beliefs. I know that in my family many people, but not all, expect me to play a certain role, the "beautiful" but troublesome child. The one who knows how to create utter havoc but can also be charmingly deceitful. While my sister is the slightly awkward brilliant intellectual who goes to Oxford. A few months ago I may have resigned myself to that role quite comfortably, picking up people magazine or Cosmopolitan. But now I find myself having urges to discover more beyond that. I find myself  overwhelmed with wanting to know so much more about the world but I have no clue what I want to know or how to find it. Yes there is the obvious New York Time & the internet, but the concept of an intellectual is so broad it's overwhelming.

Knowing that I want to go to an English university has made me realize that I need to change in many ways, broaden my horizons. Maybe put down the star magazine and pick up the economist, but it also totally terrifies me. What if I can't keep up with the english kids? What if they think I'm just some dumb loud American? And maybe this is all just really stupid. Could it be that the girl who thought she was all grown up really isn't?

This weekend my dad told me about how when one of his brothers was my age and taking physics he was "getting high off of the stuff." At first I didn't understand what my dad was talking about, and thought he possibly may have been high himself or was implying that my uncle was getting high and then studying. But then I understood. My uncle was so in awe of the material he was learning, understand how the universe actually works, that he was getting a high from it. And I completely and utterly understand. Physics is one of the hardest classes I've ever taken, but there's a certain "high" one can acquire from getting a problem right or understand what happens when a person in a car slams on their breaks and is thrown backwards. The high is very different from previous highs that I've experienced, but in an amazing and epic way. I miss smoking I do, but this is so much better. Sometimes in class everything just clicks and when it does I get this insane urge to learn more or do another problem. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Could it be that my path to becoming an intellectual does start with reading Plato's Republic or Machiavelli's The Prince but with physics?

In many ways I find it incredibly difficult to broaden myself intellectually because it makes me most vulnerable. And that is why it is so easy for me to portray a fake and superficial individual. Perhaps the first step to becoming an intellectual is by admitting a desire to be one.

A Horrible Night

My morning started hella early, earlier than a normal school day in fact. I woke up at 7 am to take the SAT, which didn't end till 1:07 PM. What the fuck. But to be honest it wasn't that bad. I was actually excited. While peeing in the ghetto bathroom stall I realized I was in the midst of paving my way to my future, and as corny as that sounds, it's totally true. These series of tests that I'm taking will determine which school I go to. It's frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. After the test I went to the library for a few hours to go do some homework and then went to tutoring with my dad for physics. And as lame, as Savy put it, as that sounds it wasn't. I've realized that I haven't been going my full potential. My partying, late night antics, and pot smoking have gotten in the way of who I can be, and I'm terrified. Savy surrounds herself with the ghetto (it's the only word I can think of ) people, and I'm petrified of becoming one of them. She went from Ausaur, a black boy from Takohma who had to repeat his senior year of high school, to Yan, a Russian who was arrested last night for punching a boy at a football game. I want neither kind in my life.

Today I was promised a night of drinking margarita's with the Sanchez family and enjoying a delicious meal. Instead Yan & his friend's from Ohio came over. They immediately pulled out the Rum, and Savy & Yan began "coupling." I'm all for that but do I really want to spend my one free night watching guys play Grand Theft Auto and Savy and Yan hook up and then be ditched so she can have sex? No. The whole thing was just so horribly awkward because she invited other people too. Actually isn't wasn't just awkward it was embarrassing. She invited Sara, a girl I was once really close friends with, and am now reconnecting with, and hardly talked to her because she was too busy mopping up Yan's puke and then fucking him.

I've reached a fork in the road & don't know how to handle the situation. I love Savy dearly, we are family, but I don't want that lifestyle any more and won't put up with it. Maybe it doesn't need to be either or. But I have a nagging suspicion that without following in Savy's lifestyle our relationship will drastically change, and that really terrifies me. Tonight I left. I decided I had had enough and had better things to do with my time. So midst fucking Yan I knocked on her door asking to unlock it so I could get my things and left. On the ride home Sara & I had a wonderful conversation. I see a silver lining to a bitter rain cloud. But what will become of all of this?  

A Good Day

Today was a good day. A really good day. For some odd reason I was exhausted, even though I went to bed at 9:30 the previous night, and kept falling asleep in my classes and then on the bus ride to championships. Maybe I was just in a state of hibernation to prepare my for championships. Most people were worried about championships, I just blocked them out all day. Refusing to acknowledge that they were happening. Today I really realized I can do anything. Less than halfway through the race I started to a get a "stitch," as I used to call them, in my side. Most likely due to not having drunk enough water. Then and there I wanted to stop and give up, but then I remembered my mum was going to be there and I wanted her to see me complete my first and only race she'd ever watch. There was something really uplifting about seeing her cheer me on which just kept me going. And slowly I began to pass a few people.

My goal was to finish the race in under 30 minutes, which unfortunately did not happen. I did however manage to get another PR. I finished my last race for Field at 30:06. I've never been much into the whole RARA school spirit stuff, but it was different today. I stayed with my mum after my race to cheer on the boys and then wait for ages to hear the final results. Girls made 7th place, not last yay. And boys made 2nd. Today I was extremely proud to be a cross country runner for Field and even happier to be finished with cross country. But as I type this I realize I'm going to miss cross country; my runs in the woods with Dorean & Maddy, my solo runs to the Cathedral, hating Jesse for making us do such grueling practices but loving the after effects. I hate to say this but I think I may have fallen in love with running. 

Cross Country Championships

Cross Country championships are tomorrow and I have to say I'm really excited. My coach reminded us all that all out hard work has gone toward this one goal, championships. And it's true I have done a lot of work for this one event. I have a goal in mind, but I'm not going to write it down because I don't want to jinx it. I talked to Hanna the day before yesterday and I was telling her how proud I was that I hadn't dropped out, and I am. Today all we had to do was run a mile and do four strides on the field. It reminded me of the first day of preseason when I did the same run, yet much slower. I proud of how far I've come so far.

Speaking of being proud and how far I've come I think I may have made a new friend at school. Today I really got to talking to one of the girls in my year on the team and we really hit it off. I hope that more comes of this, and that it wasn't just a one off thing. I wish I hadn't been so dismissive of my grade in previous years. I wish I had tried more to get to know them. And not just written them off and boring idiots who didn't understand me. Well there's nothing I can do about it now just look forward.  I need to reminded myself though to keep branching out and not allow myself to retreat to my comfy bubble.