The Problem With Flying.... You Can't Fart

OK. So I went to Sweden, came back, turned eighteen, and now I'm in Oxford. Ohhh so much has happened and I promise I will update you, but I just wanted to say I'm visiting Hanna in Stockholm once again. A little more than a month after I left. Oh my dear I feel like such a jet setter sometimes, but I'm not actually. Sometimes you just have to see the people that you love. Even if that means flying 4000 miles to see them. The only problem with that is that you can't fart in a plane. Have you ever thought about that? On a plane if you have to fart you can't only because everyone will know it came from you, since you're in such a tight place and all. Anyway I know it's quite apparent that I'm not my usual self, since it is 4 in the morning and I'm totally drunk, but we're not telling anyone are we? I'll update you more later on the major epic events that have been my life in the last 2 months.

xx me 

And So A Year Ends & New One Begins....

What a year it has been. For the last few years I've always been happy and grateful for the year to end, having been filled with: pain, suffering, and drama. And though this year has had its fair share of family drama I've discovered more about who I am and who I want to be. Though Hanna may have left there has been no tragedy in my life and I am no longer dealing with the aftermath of what happened to me.

In recap: The year started off with of family drama and ending, I believe, with some kind of family peace. Us three siblings finally met Pierre Timothy Bergen a few days after Christmas, however, as the Bergen way, there was of course some kind of drama. The morning of the meeting I woke up to my mum screaming and unfairly questioning with whom our (us kids) loyalties lay. In the end though all that matters is that we met him and I believe a new bridge has been made between our families. I see things getting better and not worse.

I sent out all my American university applications today and plan on my return home sending my English applications. It still all seems so surreal. Having Charlie home made me realize that I'm really growing up, and I'm beginning to get slightly scared. Though I haven't need my mum for awhile it's been nice knowing she's there. All of a sudden I'm going to be sent into the big bad world all by myself. What if I can't make it?

I'm sitting at the airport writing this and it's starting to hit me that in 24 hours I'm going to see Hanna. Ahhhh I'm so excited!  I haven't really allowed myself to becomes excited until now. I've been missing her so much recently, it amazes me that I haven't seen her in four months. I can't wait for the "unholy trinity" to be together again. Ohhh the trouble we will get into in Stockholm!

And so I say goodbye to 2011 and hello 2012, I know you will be a good year! 

And So Second Semester Year Begins....

I finished my last exam and I am on VACATION! The next time I show up at school I'll be 18, legal. Woooohhh things are a changing. I'm so excited; I'm seeing Charlie in five days, my aunt and uncle are coming into town for Christmas, I'm sending in my applications, and I'm seeing Hanna in 16 days! It's unbelievable to think that when I first started writing this Hanna was still in town.

It slightly terrifies me because I'm becoming so aware of how much things are changing, how much we're actually growing up. I feel I'm being faced with more responsibilities these days, that my actions can really impact others. I know that sounds stupid to say since we learn this lesson at a very early age, but this time my actions have bigger ramifications.

My eighth grader at school, told me some stuff today, and I don't know what to do with this information. Well, actually I do. I have to talk to her head of middle school, but I don't want to do anything that might hurt our relationship. I fell slightly bad breaking her trust, but I think in this situation I need to. It's like the Savy and Ausar situation.

Today I nearly told her that the reason her parents found out about him being in the ghetto shelter was because of me. But then I remembered her parents asking me not to. And the fact that Savy would hate me for this. But this was in her best intrest, and we're family. Family protects family even when the other doesn't even realize they're helping them. I know to most this wouldn't seem like a very valid excuse. But in my head it makes complete sense.

Unfortunately I have some last minute shit to finish up. But I'm going to do it in the next few days rather than later, so that I can fully enjoy Christmas & Charlie's return. I know I won't get very many gifts but I don't really care. I can't remember the last time I was this excited for Christmas!

And Second Semester Senior Begins with a very good start..... More to come. 

The Times Are A Changing

Yesterday I took the ACT, my last of numerous exams to get into university, and it really hit me how much things are about to change. I've been thinking about growing up for years and what life is going to look like beyond D.C. but I was so taken off guard when I realized it is actually happening. However, this realization made me consider some other things in my life. I really and truly want to become an engineer, which means I can't fuck my life.

Step One: Stop smoking weed. Yesterday was the second time I smoked in 7 weeks, I had a tiny moment of weakness last week after my SAT IIs went horribly. But I'm really proud of myself. I for the most part stuck to my promise and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. There were a few fleeting moments where I could have killed for a J but I don't really want that anymore.

Step Two: Love Savy but realize she is not going down the same path as me. Yesterday we had the conversation with most couples in our grade have together when they talk about life after high school. To be honest I don't think we quite finished it, our high asses, but I do think it opened the doors to future conversations.  Savy, bless her soul, will always be a little bit of a mess. And I hope with time she will sort herself out, but I can't continue trying to fix all her problems. I think I am the last person to realize that in many ways. Jaime & Cindy know that Savy's a wild card they told me so last week but it's one of the hardest things to accept. I hate watching her run her life amuck but I can't keep trying to save her, it's exhausting, all I can do is love her. As horrible and as hard as this is to admit to myself I see myself distancing myself from her. Yesterday I told her "we are family & that I loved her" and I meant that. She agreed but had no knowing of why I was saying that. Yesterday I nearly told her a secret that would rock our friendship but I knew not to, because we our family my job is to protect her even when she doesn't realize she needs it. Maybe that's how I justify my behavior. I will always be there for her, but I will no longer participate in her trajectory downwards.

Savy has never been very good at lying to me and yesterday I realized she was hiding something from me. She was getting our friend, Rosie (who I'm half friends with) to write her English paper for her. Savy excused her behavior by stating that she had just been overwhelmed with studying for her Algebra II exam. In all honest if she hadn't been fucking about getting high almost everyday and going to see Ausar she would have been able to write the paper, study, and do other homework. That's what most people do, Savy just doesn't have her priorities set.  In the past I would have resented her for this behavior, because I know she'll get away with it and never learn. But now I just don't care. I made clear to her I was not responsible for any of this and if she were to get caught I would not be accountable in any kind of way. Sometimes all I wish was for Savy to get in real trouble and face some real consequences, because until then she'll never learn. I love Savy but I've come to accept that I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm sad that it's come to this but I'm grown up enough now to know this what needs to happen.

Step Three: I made a promise to myself last march that before I graduated I would run a half marathon. And that's what I'm going to do. On March 17, 2012 I will be running my first of many half marathons, I hope. I think this will help me get my together, look hot for university, and help me in the beginning stages of quitting weed.

Step Four: Make more friends. Spending more time with new people will help me break away from Savy a bit. 

A Desire To Be Intellectual

I find myself craving to become an intellectual. In all honesty it has completely caught me off guard. My my it amazes me how people can change so much. It wouldn't necessarily call myself shallow, but it's a character I can easily portray. It's a character in many ways I have forced upon myself due to family beliefs. I know that in my family many people, but not all, expect me to play a certain role, the "beautiful" but troublesome child. The one who knows how to create utter havoc but can also be charmingly deceitful. While my sister is the slightly awkward brilliant intellectual who goes to Oxford. A few months ago I may have resigned myself to that role quite comfortably, picking up people magazine or Cosmopolitan. But now I find myself having urges to discover more beyond that. I find myself  overwhelmed with wanting to know so much more about the world but I have no clue what I want to know or how to find it. Yes there is the obvious New York Time & the internet, but the concept of an intellectual is so broad it's overwhelming.

Knowing that I want to go to an English university has made me realize that I need to change in many ways, broaden my horizons. Maybe put down the star magazine and pick up the economist, but it also totally terrifies me. What if I can't keep up with the english kids? What if they think I'm just some dumb loud American? And maybe this is all just really stupid. Could it be that the girl who thought she was all grown up really isn't?

This weekend my dad told me about how when one of his brothers was my age and taking physics he was "getting high off of the stuff." At first I didn't understand what my dad was talking about, and thought he possibly may have been high himself or was implying that my uncle was getting high and then studying. But then I understood. My uncle was so in awe of the material he was learning, understand how the universe actually works, that he was getting a high from it. And I completely and utterly understand. Physics is one of the hardest classes I've ever taken, but there's a certain "high" one can acquire from getting a problem right or understand what happens when a person in a car slams on their breaks and is thrown backwards. The high is very different from previous highs that I've experienced, but in an amazing and epic way. I miss smoking I do, but this is so much better. Sometimes in class everything just clicks and when it does I get this insane urge to learn more or do another problem. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Could it be that my path to becoming an intellectual does start with reading Plato's Republic or Machiavelli's The Prince but with physics?

In many ways I find it incredibly difficult to broaden myself intellectually because it makes me most vulnerable. And that is why it is so easy for me to portray a fake and superficial individual. Perhaps the first step to becoming an intellectual is by admitting a desire to be one.

A Horrible Night

My morning started hella early, earlier than a normal school day in fact. I woke up at 7 am to take the SAT, which didn't end till 1:07 PM. What the fuck. But to be honest it wasn't that bad. I was actually excited. While peeing in the ghetto bathroom stall I realized I was in the midst of paving my way to my future, and as corny as that sounds, it's totally true. These series of tests that I'm taking will determine which school I go to. It's frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. After the test I went to the library for a few hours to go do some homework and then went to tutoring with my dad for physics. And as lame, as Savy put it, as that sounds it wasn't. I've realized that I haven't been going my full potential. My partying, late night antics, and pot smoking have gotten in the way of who I can be, and I'm terrified. Savy surrounds herself with the ghetto (it's the only word I can think of ) people, and I'm petrified of becoming one of them. She went from Ausaur, a black boy from Takohma who had to repeat his senior year of high school, to Yan, a Russian who was arrested last night for punching a boy at a football game. I want neither kind in my life.

Today I was promised a night of drinking margarita's with the Sanchez family and enjoying a delicious meal. Instead Yan & his friend's from Ohio came over. They immediately pulled out the Rum, and Savy & Yan began "coupling." I'm all for that but do I really want to spend my one free night watching guys play Grand Theft Auto and Savy and Yan hook up and then be ditched so she can have sex? No. The whole thing was just so horribly awkward because she invited other people too. Actually isn't wasn't just awkward it was embarrassing. She invited Sara, a girl I was once really close friends with, and am now reconnecting with, and hardly talked to her because she was too busy mopping up Yan's puke and then fucking him.

I've reached a fork in the road & don't know how to handle the situation. I love Savy dearly, we are family, but I don't want that lifestyle any more and won't put up with it. Maybe it doesn't need to be either or. But I have a nagging suspicion that without following in Savy's lifestyle our relationship will drastically change, and that really terrifies me. Tonight I left. I decided I had had enough and had better things to do with my time. So midst fucking Yan I knocked on her door asking to unlock it so I could get my things and left. On the ride home Sara & I had a wonderful conversation. I see a silver lining to a bitter rain cloud. But what will become of all of this?  

A Good Day

Today was a good day. A really good day. For some odd reason I was exhausted, even though I went to bed at 9:30 the previous night, and kept falling asleep in my classes and then on the bus ride to championships. Maybe I was just in a state of hibernation to prepare my for championships. Most people were worried about championships, I just blocked them out all day. Refusing to acknowledge that they were happening. Today I really realized I can do anything. Less than halfway through the race I started to a get a "stitch," as I used to call them, in my side. Most likely due to not having drunk enough water. Then and there I wanted to stop and give up, but then I remembered my mum was going to be there and I wanted her to see me complete my first and only race she'd ever watch. There was something really uplifting about seeing her cheer me on which just kept me going. And slowly I began to pass a few people.

My goal was to finish the race in under 30 minutes, which unfortunately did not happen. I did however manage to get another PR. I finished my last race for Field at 30:06. I've never been much into the whole RARA school spirit stuff, but it was different today. I stayed with my mum after my race to cheer on the boys and then wait for ages to hear the final results. Girls made 7th place, not last yay. And boys made 2nd. Today I was extremely proud to be a cross country runner for Field and even happier to be finished with cross country. But as I type this I realize I'm going to miss cross country; my runs in the woods with Dorean & Maddy, my solo runs to the Cathedral, hating Jesse for making us do such grueling practices but loving the after effects. I hate to say this but I think I may have fallen in love with running.