A Desire To Be Intellectual

I find myself craving to become an intellectual. In all honesty it has completely caught me off guard. My my it amazes me how people can change so much. It wouldn't necessarily call myself shallow, but it's a character I can easily portray. It's a character in many ways I have forced upon myself due to family beliefs. I know that in my family many people, but not all, expect me to play a certain role, the "beautiful" but troublesome child. The one who knows how to create utter havoc but can also be charmingly deceitful. While my sister is the slightly awkward brilliant intellectual who goes to Oxford. A few months ago I may have resigned myself to that role quite comfortably, picking up people magazine or Cosmopolitan. But now I find myself having urges to discover more beyond that. I find myself  overwhelmed with wanting to know so much more about the world but I have no clue what I want to know or how to find it. Yes there is the obvious New York Time & the internet, but the concept of an intellectual is so broad it's overwhelming.

Knowing that I want to go to an English university has made me realize that I need to change in many ways, broaden my horizons. Maybe put down the star magazine and pick up the economist, but it also totally terrifies me. What if I can't keep up with the english kids? What if they think I'm just some dumb loud American? And maybe this is all just really stupid. Could it be that the girl who thought she was all grown up really isn't?

This weekend my dad told me about how when one of his brothers was my age and taking physics he was "getting high off of the stuff." At first I didn't understand what my dad was talking about, and thought he possibly may have been high himself or was implying that my uncle was getting high and then studying. But then I understood. My uncle was so in awe of the material he was learning, understand how the universe actually works, that he was getting a high from it. And I completely and utterly understand. Physics is one of the hardest classes I've ever taken, but there's a certain "high" one can acquire from getting a problem right or understand what happens when a person in a car slams on their breaks and is thrown backwards. The high is very different from previous highs that I've experienced, but in an amazing and epic way. I miss smoking I do, but this is so much better. Sometimes in class everything just clicks and when it does I get this insane urge to learn more or do another problem. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Could it be that my path to becoming an intellectual does start with reading Plato's Republic or Machiavelli's The Prince but with physics?

In many ways I find it incredibly difficult to broaden myself intellectually because it makes me most vulnerable. And that is why it is so easy for me to portray a fake and superficial individual. Perhaps the first step to becoming an intellectual is by admitting a desire to be one.

A Horrible Night

My morning started hella early, earlier than a normal school day in fact. I woke up at 7 am to take the SAT, which didn't end till 1:07 PM. What the fuck. But to be honest it wasn't that bad. I was actually excited. While peeing in the ghetto bathroom stall I realized I was in the midst of paving my way to my future, and as corny as that sounds, it's totally true. These series of tests that I'm taking will determine which school I go to. It's frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. After the test I went to the library for a few hours to go do some homework and then went to tutoring with my dad for physics. And as lame, as Savy put it, as that sounds it wasn't. I've realized that I haven't been going my full potential. My partying, late night antics, and pot smoking have gotten in the way of who I can be, and I'm terrified. Savy surrounds herself with the ghetto (it's the only word I can think of ) people, and I'm petrified of becoming one of them. She went from Ausaur, a black boy from Takohma who had to repeat his senior year of high school, to Yan, a Russian who was arrested last night for punching a boy at a football game. I want neither kind in my life.

Today I was promised a night of drinking margarita's with the Sanchez family and enjoying a delicious meal. Instead Yan & his friend's from Ohio came over. They immediately pulled out the Rum, and Savy & Yan began "coupling." I'm all for that but do I really want to spend my one free night watching guys play Grand Theft Auto and Savy and Yan hook up and then be ditched so she can have sex? No. The whole thing was just so horribly awkward because she invited other people too. Actually isn't wasn't just awkward it was embarrassing. She invited Sara, a girl I was once really close friends with, and am now reconnecting with, and hardly talked to her because she was too busy mopping up Yan's puke and then fucking him.

I've reached a fork in the road & don't know how to handle the situation. I love Savy dearly, we are family, but I don't want that lifestyle any more and won't put up with it. Maybe it doesn't need to be either or. But I have a nagging suspicion that without following in Savy's lifestyle our relationship will drastically change, and that really terrifies me. Tonight I left. I decided I had had enough and had better things to do with my time. So midst fucking Yan I knocked on her door asking to unlock it so I could get my things and left. On the ride home Sara & I had a wonderful conversation. I see a silver lining to a bitter rain cloud. But what will become of all of this?  

A Good Day

Today was a good day. A really good day. For some odd reason I was exhausted, even though I went to bed at 9:30 the previous night, and kept falling asleep in my classes and then on the bus ride to championships. Maybe I was just in a state of hibernation to prepare my for championships. Most people were worried about championships, I just blocked them out all day. Refusing to acknowledge that they were happening. Today I really realized I can do anything. Less than halfway through the race I started to a get a "stitch," as I used to call them, in my side. Most likely due to not having drunk enough water. Then and there I wanted to stop and give up, but then I remembered my mum was going to be there and I wanted her to see me complete my first and only race she'd ever watch. There was something really uplifting about seeing her cheer me on which just kept me going. And slowly I began to pass a few people.

My goal was to finish the race in under 30 minutes, which unfortunately did not happen. I did however manage to get another PR. I finished my last race for Field at 30:06. I've never been much into the whole RARA school spirit stuff, but it was different today. I stayed with my mum after my race to cheer on the boys and then wait for ages to hear the final results. Girls made 7th place, not last yay. And boys made 2nd. Today I was extremely proud to be a cross country runner for Field and even happier to be finished with cross country. But as I type this I realize I'm going to miss cross country; my runs in the woods with Dorean & Maddy, my solo runs to the Cathedral, hating Jesse for making us do such grueling practices but loving the after effects. I hate to say this but I think I may have fallen in love with running. 

Cross Country Championships

Cross Country championships are tomorrow and I have to say I'm really excited. My coach reminded us all that all out hard work has gone toward this one goal, championships. And it's true I have done a lot of work for this one event. I have a goal in mind, but I'm not going to write it down because I don't want to jinx it. I talked to Hanna the day before yesterday and I was telling her how proud I was that I hadn't dropped out, and I am. Today all we had to do was run a mile and do four strides on the field. It reminded me of the first day of preseason when I did the same run, yet much slower. I proud of how far I've come so far.

Speaking of being proud and how far I've come I think I may have made a new friend at school. Today I really got to talking to one of the girls in my year on the team and we really hit it off. I hope that more comes of this, and that it wasn't just a one off thing. I wish I hadn't been so dismissive of my grade in previous years. I wish I had tried more to get to know them. And not just written them off and boring idiots who didn't understand me. Well there's nothing I can do about it now just look forward.  I need to reminded myself though to keep branching out and not allow myself to retreat to my comfy bubble. 

Community Service: Part of a Journey

I've got to complete 60 hours of community service before I graduate in June, and in all honestly I've only completed about 12 of them. But I now know what I'm going to do.....

The last six years and something months have been a journey for me. The trauma of knowing something horrible happened to me but not quite understanding fully what, the horrendous diagnosis of herpes at age 12,  finally admitting my rape, and in between that three stays at the psyche ward at Children's Hospital. What happened to me was beyond horrible. I still don't understand how such evil can exist in the world, but I know it does. I was forced to grow up way too young, but I am strong and know I can face whatever challenges I face. I still cry for the poor innocent girl, but I have moved on. I am healing. For the first time in my life what happened to me isn't the biggest thing in my life. Though I still have bad days I have more good ones. In the process of moving on I think I should go help children, like me, who have encountered similar evil and our now attempting to rebuild their lives.

During the first two years I was paralyzed by fear, constantly afraid and on edge, yet there was one place where I felt totally safe. This place was called Safe Shores. The place was warm and cosy, filled with lovely people who worked my case and provided me with psychiatric help I so desperately needed, and all for free.  It was where I first went to tell my story. And then every Tuesday for 20 months I showed up for therapy, at the exact same time. They knew me by name and always fed me the same thing, Cheez-itz, apple juice, & a mini pizza. This may seem trivial and stupid, but for someone who's life was turned upside down & completely shattered this consistency was the one thing I could count on. I will always be so in debt to these people. I hope they know how much they saved me. I guess I hope I can give a little back, maybe to another little girl who feels just as broken and helpless as I did then.

October & Snowing Out

Everything seems to be going toppsy turvy these days, including the weather & my love life. It's late October and it's hailing and snowing outside.  When in the hell did this start? D.C. in October has always been very pleasant. I remember being able to go trick-or-treating in my little costume without a jacket on. Today I had to wear jeans, a jumper, and jacket to leave the house. This is not the D.C. that I know.  Not that I'm complaining too much. I do realize that weather will be like this 24/7 in England. Anyway,  everything just seems to have been put upside and out of whack these days. I think I may be starting to fall for Brad a little bit, which is really bad. And I don't understand why. We're just meant to be hooking up. Should I just cut my loses and run? Or just stick with it and see what happens? Maybe I've just made this all up in my head, and am really not falling for him. I just don't know what to do. 

Senior Overload

I'm beginning to feel very overwhelmed. The weight of senior year is finally beginning to weigh on my shoulders. I know a good many of my posts have been about how amazing this year has been and will be, and that is all true, but for the first time it's becoming a bit much. Last week was insanely hectic, being the end of the quarter and all. I had tests to take and papers to hand in. Every year I block out how stressful that last week in the quarter is, and then I remember when it begins. But then the memory disappears again. Walking in this Monday morning I though this week would be a breeze. The beginning of a new quarter, nothing much would happen. But all of a sudden it was like I was reliving last week. Today started off really well but something in me clicked just before lunch time and all of a sudden I was in a foul mood.

I'm not doing as well as I would like to be in physics, it has become my hardest class. Today after school my teacher created an extra test for me to take. I spent most the day worrying about it, wondering about how hard it would be. And then I got the test. I sat there for about five minutes just reading the problem out loud over and over again. And then finally the tiniest of lightbulbs went off.  I don't think I aced it but I think I definitely did better of it that I expected. It amazes me how something like that can turn one's mood around so quickly. Taking this class has really made me worry and question whether or not I'll be able to make it at an english university or even hack it out as an engineer. But today gave me just a little more confidence.

I'm also slightly irritated with Savy these days, and I don't know why. I was meant to go to New York with her for the weekend and Halloween, returning late Tuesday night. But I'm not going to go anymore for two reasons. The first being my coach guilted me into not going, championships are Wednesdays. And I just don't think I can afford to miss two days of school without falling behind. But back to Savy. She was really beginning to irritate the hell out of me. I've always known that she isn't the best student, that she's slightly spoilt & selfish, and that she eats with her mouth open. But all of a sudden it's beginning to bother me, and it never did before. Maybe her going away will be the break that we need. Saying that I do have to admit we did have a very nice 30 minute phone conversation while I walked home from school today.