Community Service: Part of a Journey

I've got to complete 60 hours of community service before I graduate in June, and in all honestly I've only completed about 12 of them. But I now know what I'm going to do.....

The last six years and something months have been a journey for me. The trauma of knowing something horrible happened to me but not quite understanding fully what, the horrendous diagnosis of herpes at age 12,  finally admitting my rape, and in between that three stays at the psyche ward at Children's Hospital. What happened to me was beyond horrible. I still don't understand how such evil can exist in the world, but I know it does. I was forced to grow up way too young, but I am strong and know I can face whatever challenges I face. I still cry for the poor innocent girl, but I have moved on. I am healing. For the first time in my life what happened to me isn't the biggest thing in my life. Though I still have bad days I have more good ones. In the process of moving on I think I should go help children, like me, who have encountered similar evil and our now attempting to rebuild their lives.

During the first two years I was paralyzed by fear, constantly afraid and on edge, yet there was one place where I felt totally safe. This place was called Safe Shores. The place was warm and cosy, filled with lovely people who worked my case and provided me with psychiatric help I so desperately needed, and all for free.  It was where I first went to tell my story. And then every Tuesday for 20 months I showed up for therapy, at the exact same time. They knew me by name and always fed me the same thing, Cheez-itz, apple juice, & a mini pizza. This may seem trivial and stupid, but for someone who's life was turned upside down & completely shattered this consistency was the one thing I could count on. I will always be so in debt to these people. I hope they know how much they saved me. I guess I hope I can give a little back, maybe to another little girl who feels just as broken and helpless as I did then.

October & Snowing Out

Everything seems to be going toppsy turvy these days, including the weather & my love life. It's late October and it's hailing and snowing outside.  When in the hell did this start? D.C. in October has always been very pleasant. I remember being able to go trick-or-treating in my little costume without a jacket on. Today I had to wear jeans, a jumper, and jacket to leave the house. This is not the D.C. that I know.  Not that I'm complaining too much. I do realize that weather will be like this 24/7 in England. Anyway,  everything just seems to have been put upside and out of whack these days. I think I may be starting to fall for Brad a little bit, which is really bad. And I don't understand why. We're just meant to be hooking up. Should I just cut my loses and run? Or just stick with it and see what happens? Maybe I've just made this all up in my head, and am really not falling for him. I just don't know what to do. 

Senior Overload

I'm beginning to feel very overwhelmed. The weight of senior year is finally beginning to weigh on my shoulders. I know a good many of my posts have been about how amazing this year has been and will be, and that is all true, but for the first time it's becoming a bit much. Last week was insanely hectic, being the end of the quarter and all. I had tests to take and papers to hand in. Every year I block out how stressful that last week in the quarter is, and then I remember when it begins. But then the memory disappears again. Walking in this Monday morning I though this week would be a breeze. The beginning of a new quarter, nothing much would happen. But all of a sudden it was like I was reliving last week. Today started off really well but something in me clicked just before lunch time and all of a sudden I was in a foul mood.

I'm not doing as well as I would like to be in physics, it has become my hardest class. Today after school my teacher created an extra test for me to take. I spent most the day worrying about it, wondering about how hard it would be. And then I got the test. I sat there for about five minutes just reading the problem out loud over and over again. And then finally the tiniest of lightbulbs went off.  I don't think I aced it but I think I definitely did better of it that I expected. It amazes me how something like that can turn one's mood around so quickly. Taking this class has really made me worry and question whether or not I'll be able to make it at an english university or even hack it out as an engineer. But today gave me just a little more confidence.

I'm also slightly irritated with Savy these days, and I don't know why. I was meant to go to New York with her for the weekend and Halloween, returning late Tuesday night. But I'm not going to go anymore for two reasons. The first being my coach guilted me into not going, championships are Wednesdays. And I just don't think I can afford to miss two days of school without falling behind. But back to Savy. She was really beginning to irritate the hell out of me. I've always known that she isn't the best student, that she's slightly spoilt & selfish, and that she eats with her mouth open. But all of a sudden it's beginning to bother me, and it never did before. Maybe her going away will be the break that we need. Saying that I do have to admit we did have a very nice 30 minute phone conversation while I walked home from school today. 

The Best Friend & The Ex-boyfriend

I’m finding it more and more difficult to deal with Savy and her Ausar issue. Frankly, I’m disgusted with his behavior and am so relieved to have him out of my life. She keeps texting me right now about the situation; how they’re fighting and she feels so guilty, how she misses him, the sex, and the great memories before and after. And all I want to do is shout at her, through text message, of course: “he brought another girl to my part friday night, he treated you horribly, using you, you’re so much better than him, and did I mention he also treated me & Hanna like shit!!!!!!” Yet I don’t. I bite my tongue and keep sympathizing with her. But when is too much, too much? When is this cork, in my “piggy mouth,” going to just pop out, and leave a big ass “Ausar” mark in her Jeep door?

Update: I wrote this two days ago when my internet was down. Savy and Ausar have now decided that they will never see each other again, probably a good idea. I don't know if I actually believe it, but I hope it's true. Also I talked to my guy friend, Alex, about the situation, Savy's also told him stuff. And through talking to him I've decided if by Saturday Savy doesn't shut the fuck up about the situation and continues to mope about it I'll set her straight.

A Party From Hell

Yesterday I had a party. I was hoping for it to be a senior class party with a few other kids from other schools, but very soon I began to loose control of what was happening. Ausar (savy's "ex") showed up with 30 other Wilson kids. I kicked them out but it took an hour. They threatened me several times, and to be honest, they scared me. One threw a rock at me and this morning I found the urn on my front porch flipped upside, and it's heavy as hell.

I've spent the last 5 hours cleaning and doing over six loads of laundry and I'm not angry that I have to clean up by myself I just wish my party had turned out the way I wanted it to go. I guess I still have yet to win over my Field peers, especially the girls. This was supposed to be my shining moment where I let them see how cool I can be (sometimes) & meet fun hostess Bella. I know that sounds totally pathetic but I wanted my class to appreciate what I was trying to do for them. I'm trying to participate and be a part of something.

Senior Year Hostess

So much is happening so fast these days. My mum is in South Africa, so I'm currently staying home alone. It's absolutely amazing! I can't believe how quiet and peaceful the house can sound when Brendan and my mum aren't fighting.

Today was cross country's mid-season challenge. Essentially we're only half way through the season. Last week I hit a point where I was absolutely sick of cross country and couldn't bare to stay any longer. So I skipped practice all well. Not good. But today I did it. I ran my second meet and I completed it without walking. I know this does seem like much. But, comparing it to what I could do in preseason I'm proud. But I can do better. Maybe, I beginning to love this sport, a little bit. Or maybe I don't love it, maybe I need it in my life. I think running provides some much needed balance in it. I'm happier for it, to be honest.

Today, on the ride home from my meet, my coach and teacher, Jesse, started to talk to me. It was a good, honest, conversation. It remind me of how much has changed in six years. And of how he was treating me like a reall adult. Maybe that's what makes senior year, at Field, so great. People treat you better. But my god how much they really have! I've become a little bit of social butterfly, I think. For the first time I'm beginning to really shine, like I know I can.  I'm making friends with other people.

I'm even having a party, Friday. I've got friends to invite. Plus, I want my class to meet fabulous hostess Bella. Everyone loves her. Maybe my job should be being the hostess of the class. I want to participate in making this year a great one! I know I can't shut up about senior year these days, but I just love it so much!


p.s. the original title of this blog was meant to be "love the grind" a phrase our school's and now team psychologist (and former sports psychologist, for the Red Skins)  told us. But that was when most of this blog was meant to be about cross country and not senior year.