"No uterus, no comment"

I'm on my way to the OBGYN and I'm slightly hesitant. I initially tried to see a male doctor but unfortunately got stuck with a female. Most people don't seem to understand my hesitation toward having a female doctor but it's a legit one. My policy is no uterus no comment (A line taken from one of my favorite characters Rachel Green).  If I were to have a male doctor we wouldn't be able to judge or lecture me on what I do in my private life. While a female on the other hand may feel she has the right to lecture me. Esentially I just don't want to be lectured.

Yearbook Meeting

Today I met with the new yearbook teacher. I'm not quite sure what she though of me. I think there's a possibility I put her off a bit. I explained to her my OCD like tendencies, which others prceive to be anal, toward my need to have everything parallel and symetircal. I wonder what this class is going to be like...

I think it's all beginning to sink in, I'm about to be a senior. I'm a little bit scared about whether or not I can handle the work load while accepting nothing but excellence from myself. Will I crash under the pressure?

Running Buddies

Athleticism has never been a big deal in my family, with my mum. As a child my two siblings and I were limited to one sport each, one of my mum's many rules. Later on when I asked my mum if I could join a travel soccer team she immediately said. It's not that my mother dislikes sports it that she doesn't appreciate the time they take away from her schedule.

Describing my mum's relationship to athleticism is not meant to by any means put her down but more to emphasize my surprise when I returned to her this summer and she had told me she had taken up running. This is the same woman who told me that running on the street would damage my knees and make me older faster. This afternoon, after only being home for a tense 45 minutes, my mum instructed my brother, in a icy crisp tone of voice, to go on a run. He happily agreed, as long as he away from her he generally agrees. She too decided to go on a run, not long after Brendan left. By chance I was also planning on going for a run.

In the span of 20 minutes my entirely family left separately to go running. Maybe this is just me but I find this quite odd. Do we all dread spending time with each other that much?  Or are we all just trying to get really fit? I was the last to come home by about an hour. When I arrived home my mother was in her room and my brother in his. Are we now using our rooms as tools of escape and avoidence?

The Penthouse

This morning I arrived to my mum's house excited to go to my room. I wasn't excited or delighted to be in the presence of either my brother or mother. The moment I opened the door to my house I knew what to expect; a tension of some sort between my mum and brother. I dread this, I finally realize how it must have felt when Brendan and I were constantly fighting. The only way I seem able to handle it best these days is by fleeing to my room, avoiding contact with them when they are together.

My room has turned into my 700 square foot paradise. Formerly described as "Baghdad" it was littered by an array of things such as; dirty clothes, my sister's traumatized cat Harriet's  urine, empty or sometimes moldy plates and glasses, school papers, and yes sometimes ash. Now a days the carpet can be seen and if asked one could tell you that it is indeed cream coloured, that black stain is just a burn mark. I have spent the last few weeks back reorganizing, rearranging, and cleaning but I believe the name "The Penthouse" can finally be restored to my room.

Barbecue Vs. Hurricane Irene

I'm in a state. Tonight my family is meant to go to a barbecue which will most likely turn into an atomic indoor war zone. Somehow that brother of mine has gotten his godmother to invite both my parents to this event. This is the same godmother who use to be my mum's best friend turned boss. Who later got fired from the company she started and subsequently blames my mother. As one may guess tensions are high between all parties including my father and brother's godmother, for what reason I don't know. But needless to say I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting to see what happens. Maybe hurricane Irene won't be what destroys the city but in fact it will be the sizzling tension erupting from this barbecue.

Hurricane Irene

The good people of our nation's capital, Washington D.C., are beginning to panic. Hurricane Irene is meant to hit us sometime between tonight and early tomorrow, I believe. To tell you the truth I'm not worried. Back in September '04 the good of D.C. also panicked because hurricane Isabel (named after yours truly) was meant to hit us, but nothing really happened. Parts of Maryland did lose power but that's about it. Up until now I had assumed that the same thing would happen with hurricane Irene but maybe that's just stupid. I have this idea that I'll get all curled up in my room and watch the rain just pour down. That's when I love having an attic. That lovely moment when I'm lying in my soft comfy bed, listening to the sound of rain hitting my roof, and watch it pour by the bucket loads from my window.

*****

(Now rereading that last sentence above I realize that that is one of the most cheesy sentences ever  written. But is it true? Yes. )

The Ugly Unavoidable Truth

Today my brother told me it was inevitable that one day I turn into my mother and that he would one day turn into our father. Please sweet Jesus dont' let this be true? I love my parents, I do, but my god do I not want to be true.

I find it almost depressing that someone so young could think something so harsh. But maybe he's just being the realistic and smarter. Why not accept the unavoidable? But for some reason I can't seem to do that. Maybe he's just honest with himself and I delusional with myself. But I think for now I'd rather keep it that way.

A Reaffirming Psychic

After my meeting with my uncle, which went very well, I ambled around Dupont Circle. As I was walking around I saw a sign for a psychic and on a whim decided to walk in. I've always wanted to go see a psychic but never bothered to actually do anything about it.

The whole experiences was... reaffirming. That's the only word I can think of. She read both my palms and spoke of my future relationships, children, the lives I will touch, and my future professionally. But what stuck a chord with me most was when she spoke of how I was recently  coming to terms with my "inner demons," not that she actually used that phrase. She spoke of how there were still lose ends I needed to tie, but the inner peace I was seeking could only be found from within.

Now maybe this is all stuff I knew, and didn't need to pay 20 bucks to find out, but it was nice. It made me believe a little more what I already knew to be true. I'm moving on. I'm finding the closure within.

An Adjusting Family Dynamic

I'm seeing my uncle for the first time in 7 months, exactly. I'm nervous and keep half expecting him to cancel on me. How has it come to this? What if I can't pull this family back together, again?

I told someone the other day that my family is falling apart. I can't remember for the life of me who said it, but they responded by saying "it's not falling apart just re-adapting itself." Maybe this is true. Maybe my family dynamic is adjusting and I'm not adjusting with it. Is it so wrong of me to want certain things to go back?

A Day For Getting Lost

So today I woke up at the usual time, 6 am (I don't even have to get up that early for school), to go to cross country practice. To tell you the truth I am quite surprised and impressed that I've made it three whole days. Last year I quit after day two. But anyway my point is that I got lost. When walking to school I saw an opening to the woods. I've spent years walking by it but have never entered it until today. For some reason I thought I knew my way around the woods and it would be no problem getting to school from there. Well, I was wrong. I was late to practice but on the plus side I did get to miss our two warm up laps.

Today's practice was meant to be a nice slow one. A recovery day from the pain of yesterday. I was only meant to run a total of 2 miles. Easy. My run ended up being 4.75 miles because the person we were running with got us lost... in the woods. Yes, the same woods I got lost in earlier today. We ran about a mile and a half and then turned back because she told us we went the wrong way. So we went back and took a second trail. Half way through the trail we stopped because apparently we went the wrong way. The first trail we had taken was actually the right one. So we ran all the way back to the first trail and finished it though and ran back.

When walking home after practice I decided to take the woods home. I just assumed that since I had already gotten lost twice today I wouldn't get lost a third time. Turns out I was wrong. The path I took went on for 25 minutes and once the path ended I realized I had only actually gone two city blocks. Fuck! Did I also mention I had two blisters one either one of my feet?

I'm home now writing this and I'm in completely and utter agony. Yet I feel somehow accomplished. My body's hurting... a hell of a lot, but this is good. It's adapting to the new challenges and obstacles I place in front of it. I can handle it. I know I can.

Earth Mother Fucking Quake

So there was just a 5.8 earthquake in D.C. I was asleep and woke up to my bed shaking and everything else around my shifting. At first I thought it was my brother doing something in his room. Then I thought it was my neighbor's dog freaking out. And then I realized it was an earthquake. I ran out calling for Brendan who was already outside. By then it had stopped and the first thing he says to me is put something on before the after shock.

The boy is more worried about his appearances than that of my safety. What the fuck.

Annoying Guy

I'm on skype, waiting to talk to Hanna. This guy from school is skyping me. I don't really want to talk to him, but I do. Because I'm polite. Of course we talk about college (that's the only thing we have in common). But now I realise how much time this whole college application process is going to take me. Holy Shit. I'm so behind!

******* (a little later)

Am I really that far behind? Ahhh probs not. I think he's probs just one of those people with a neurotic mum. 

Returning To Field

The boyfriend (my mum's) took me paddling boarding yesterday morning. I had to get up at the crack of bloody dawn. Though I admit it was quite fun.

And today I had to get up early for preseason. I'm attempting to be on cross country team. Though I don't know how long this is all going to last. I'm terrified of commitment. But maybe I'll make some friends on the team. Did I also mention I've got a little bit of a competitive streak to me, at times it becomes an issues. But we'll see what happens in time.

For the first time I'm using all these muscles I didn't know existed. And yes there are multiple different ways of interrupting that line...

It was so strange to be at school. Yet it felt completely different. I feel like I'm starting senior year differently than all the others. I feel confident, strong, powerful, and a little smug. They don't know what they've gotten themselves into this year. But I have a feeling I'm gonna rock their world this year. I'm gonna be who I am and who I wanna be.

The Lesbian Dinner

I talked to Hanna today, and it was so great. I know she's only been gone for five days but it seems so much longer. I gotta say I love love love modern technology. It was like we were with each other again. 

But that's just an aside. Today's blog is about the "lesbian dinner," tonight. My new lesbian neighbor's are coming over for super, at mí casa. Techincally speaking they're not new. But actually moved in last July. However I did only meet one of the the day before yesterday. So kinda new to me.

Anyway my mum's boyfriend is cooking supper. We're eating halibut, with fingerling potatoes, and a three type tomato salad. Followed by ice cream and fruits. Yum...

I don't know what to think of this diner, except puzzled. I still can't tell what to think of my mum's boyfriend and I don't knows these women. Who by the way, could very well tell my mum about the shit I've been up to, when she's away. But I doubt they'll say anything (please God!). Could this dinner end in tears?Possibly. Will it? No. 

Just A Thought:

(Today was a good day, though. My brother, Brendan, and my mum didn't get into any major fights. And I had a nice conversation with my mum. I finally really felt like she saw how I was try to let go,  move on, and be happy. I finally feel like everything just keeps better and better. I'm excited to move on, but knowing that I'm leaving DC on my terms. Having put everything to rest.

I don't know what this blog is going to be about. But maybe its actually about my time in preparing to leave D.C., inspired by Hanna. My time dealing with my currently explosive and feuding family. The process of moving on from what happened to me. Leaving Field and getting into university. And my relationship with Savy, potential boys (Brad), and everyone else.) 

Just Saying

I gotta say I think there's a little bit of magic in the world. I mean the little bit of sparkle in the world. When things that shouldn't happen do, only because you're a good person. I don't know maybe that's just called Karma. But there's something out there that pushes this world and these people towards good and not evil. 

Anyway it was just a little idea. (Maybe, I'll start doing this more often.)

Reentry Into The Friendship Scene

Today I hung out with two boys from a nearby(ish) private school. I spent most of the week in a very zen like state of mind, essentially not thinking or obsessing about what it was going to be like. Recently I've attempted to be more chill, thanks to the influence of Hanna & Savy.

The old me would have obsessed about this meeting for hours on end. What would I wear? Is it okay that my Cosmopolitan is by my bed? Will they think that I'm stupid for reading Cosmo? That sort of stuff.

Anyway back to my original point. I was calm all week up until this morning. And then a slight creeping panic spread across me. What was I going to talk to these boys about? We had nothing in common. It was in this moment that I thought that my friendship with Hanna & Savy left me slightly socially retarded. I am so close to these two individuals, and they with me, that for the most part we have absolutely no filter around each other. All of a sudden I was going to have to think about what was and was not appropriate to say and do in front of other people.

Just before the boys showed up I called Savy in a panic. I left a slightly embarassingly frantic voice mail saying "I had a made a huge mistake and didn't know what to do." Thankful she didn't pick up and I managed to pull my self together in time.

I laugh now think about all of this, but I was also correct. My relationship with Hanna & Savy has allowed me to not need to socialize with others up until now. I feel relief and a sense of accomplishment that I've managed to start making friends on my own. Maybe it is good that both of them are gone for now. I being forced out of my comfort zone and I know I can handle it.

I feel as if I've jumped over one of the first big hurdles, of many for this year, and I feel damn fucking proud (God I'm so modest). 

Hostess on the Verge

I woke up this morning this a huge lump in my stomach. Hanna was leaving. I just lay there for a while not sure really what to do or how to behave. So in usual Bella manner I got dressed and began to preform my hostess duties. While frothing the milk for Simon's, Hanna's brother, café au lait, I called for the cab company to come pick them up. I immediately began to freak out and didn't know what to do so I proceeded to make Hanna a sandwich. While making the sandwich the cab came, and that's when I really began to freak out. I was not about to let her leave without her butter and jelly sandwich. And that's when Hanna said "you're the perfect hostess of the verge of a meltdown." And it was true. We stood there for a minute attempting to hold back tears and then just for a second we both allowed ourselves to let them go.

I don't know what to do now. I feel isolated and lonely, and it's only been a few hours. How do you say goodbye to someone who you've seen nearly ever day for the last four years? I'm slightly more terrified then before and also a bit more revealed. She's gone. I can stop dreading this moment because it's already happened. But now I feel like I've been thrown out into the ocean alone and been told to swim. How do I make new friends? What do normally people do? The three of us isolated ourselves so much from everyone else I feel like I don't know how to interact with everyone else. 

I know the loneliness will subside with time, but God can it just speed up a little more?

The Unholy Trinity Divided

I can't believe Hanna's leaving. It seems so surreal. We all knew this day was inevitable but the fact that it's finally here, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. "The Unholy Trinity," as we're called, is finally being separated. What will happen to us? I really do believe that deep down we (Hanna, Savy, & I) will all remain friends.

As I said to Hanna tonight "the ball is beginning to roll. Are adult lives are finally beginning."  I'm about to enter Senior year. Everything from here on out will be different. This time next year I'll be packing up to move somewhere new. Where I don't know. The idea is slightly frighting, to a control freak like myself, but it's also completely wonderful. I have no idea what to expect for the future. I wish more people would talk about this kind of thing. I know this is happening to other people,  yet most don't seem to acknowledge it.

Will Savy and I be able to make it without Hanna? God, I need more friends. Entering Freshman year I had all these hopes and dreams for high school which were not accomplished. I have one year to try and make them happen, will I be able to do it?


I don't know much these days but I do know that everything is about to change.