Full Circle

It seems we've come full circle. I sit here in Miami, graduated, with Hanna and Savy. Hanna's home. That's what I think, but that's not true, because things feel different. Though I love having Hanna in D.C., my life now is very different from our life together, and that's okay.

I was so scared of things changing. But I've come to see that progression is necessary and a part of life. New experiences and people have given me different perspective on my life and who I am. So I have given into the unexpected changes. I'm going to Engineering school in Boston, the harder but better choice. My relationship with Savy still evolving, and I believe it will be just as good as before.

Without sounding to sappy & cliche, yet still get my point across. I've grown up a little bit, experienced more of my fears and realized life continues to get a bit better.

The Happiest Hostess of Them All

These days I surprise myself by just how damn happy I am. Frankly, I've never been this happy. Yes shit still goes down in my life, but I'm okay. I'm terrified of fucking this all up, but knowing me I don't think I will, only obsess on the fact that it's a possibility. My senior prom was on Saturday and I had an absolute ball. I spent the day getting ready with Savy, Charlotte, and the crew. I'm stunned by how much a year changes people. I keep walking around Field thinking of how god damn beautiful it is and how lucky and privileged I am to have been there for six year. Having said that I am ready to leave. 38 days. 38 fucking days till graduation.

I'm in awe. In six years I've become a completely different person. Who will I be four years from now, when I graduate for Northeastern? At this point in my life I know Field and DC so well, I'm completely comfortable with both places and know exactly what I can and can't get away with. But very soon I'm moving to a new city where I haven't got a clue. I've never set foot in Boston let alone the school I'm going to. I'm excited and scared. This was just soooo not the plan, it's funny how life changes so fast. I was meant to be going to engineering school in England, and become friends with the high society children of London. And now..... I will remain a Yank. I do hope though that I move to England one day, I believe it's meant to happen. I think going to an American school is the right thing for me to do, just the harder decision to make. And if it's meant to be I will end up there. Please let it be meant to be. 

April Showers Bring...

      May flowers, or so they say. So far all we've really gotten in a continuation of April showers, but that doesn't mean the mood hasn't changed. I can't believe a month has passed since spring break. Things are changing ever so rapidly.  I'm going to college, and I'm nervous but also so damn excited. Excited to get to know a new city and new people. But it's bitter sweet. I've made all these friends, people I truly believe I could be friends with for a very long time to come, but why couldn't this have happened earlier? And then there's Savy..... 

      We had a confrontation on Tuesday, and I finally said what I had needed to say for months. It all began the day before when I was having my picture taken, for my senior poem book. Sidney was taking my photograph, at "Top of the World" when Savy showed up and began searched for a place to take her photos. As I climbed up from the little valley, when my photo shoot ended, I saw Ausar walked down the street. I didn't say anything to him and vaguely made clear to Savy I wasn't too pleased to have not have gotten a heads up. However when I got home I slowly began to get angrier and angrier about the situation. So I sent her a text message, accusing her of not having any respect for me, my feelings or our friendship. My anger was in immediate response to the situation but really stemmed for several things.
      We had the first conversation during break the next day, which left me feeling even angrier. And then during yearbook Savy was her lovely irritating self and began to throw tiny pieces of paper at me until I asked our teacher if we could leave because "the tension in the classroom was getting to me and I needed to fix it." And so we talked this time quite honestly. I told her I hadn't been happy with our relationship for a few months (gawd that makes us sound like such a married couple). And she said she had realized. We talked about how I had become friends with the crew, and that she didn't feel as much a part of it. I replied that she was always welcome to hangout with us, and that they felt she was part of the group. However because she also spent time with Ausar and his people, she wasn't as close to the crew she didn't spend as much time with them as I did. I made clear I wasn't going to wait for her anymore though. I had to live my life. Just because she was with Ausar didn't mean I was going to put my life on pause. And then we promised to make more of an effort to see each other.
      And then Ausar really came up in conversation. Apparently he told Savy, after seeing me, that she had to choose between me and him. And she had responded by saying "you don't want me to choose." As she told me this I was a bit taken a back. If you had asked me earlier who did I think she would choose I wouldn't have known who to say. But I also would never ask her to pick. And I told her that. She then continued to explain why she could choose me, crying, and making me tear up a bit. And then our teacher came out. He was sweet and told us we just had to make the effort to see each other and we agreed. But I left feeling so much better.
     Later that night I worked and Savy asked me to sleepover. The last thing I wanted to do was have a sleepover but I remembered the conversation earlier and wanted to demonstrate that I was making the effort so I did. I'm glad. We spoke one more time about everything and I felt totally at ease. Making our friendship work in the next few years is going to be hard I realize now, but we can do it. And I've come to the conclusion that Ausar is a sad person, who won't remain in Savy's life for much longer. So I'll tolerate it. I won't be a part of it I just will continue to not invest my emotions in it, because boys will come in and out of our lives but she will always be my best friend. Yes, I do realize how cheesy that sounds. 

The Women Of The Island

I'm on the island (Key Biscayne) for our traditional spring break. However this year it's a bit strange because it's not the trio but me and Savy and tomorrow Anna, a friend from school, will join us. I kind of felt like we were betraying Hanna at first, but have soon gotten over that. Anyway, I have forgotten how strange and odd the women of this island are....

On our first day Savy and I decided to go on a date first getting mani pedis and then out to South Beach for dinner. While we were at the salon the women proceeded to talk about us in Spanish, assuming that neither of us knew what they were saying. I do admit we were late, however, in my book that is never okay. If you feel the need to talk shit about me don't do it to my face, in a passive aggressive manner, do it when I leave. Or say it in English to my face.

The next night we went to a party on the island. To my surprise it wasn't a preppy hispanic party where the girls wouldn't talk to us but a pretentious UM party with a bunch of hipsters where no girls would talk to us. However, being the epic duo that Savy and I are we still had fun. But, why don't girls like us? We're fun and open people.

Anyway for the moment it's fine. No matter what we always make the best of our situation and we'll have an epic vacation. But I guarantee you one thing, two actually, I'll never go back to that salon and I'll never turn into one of those Spanish women at the Salon, I'm better than that.

Inspiration & Fudge Sundae

After a long long day at work I finally caved in and got the ice cream sunday I've spent the last three weeks dreaming about. And what better place to go that Thomas Sweet in Georgetown. They make their hot fudge homemade and their ice cream too. It was a very lovely evening. As I waited in line a saw a family with a very cute baby and later on sat at next table to them. Just as they were leaving some girl asked the woman if she was the author of the rockstar diaries. The lady responded "yes." I pretended to know what this girl was talking about but in reality hadn't a clue. So when I got home I checked her out. This woman is brilliant. And has made me reconsider this blog of mine. What is it's purpose? Does even seem cohesive. So things may change, I think I'm inspired. 

It Just Keeps Getting Better & Better

My day started really well. I slept in until eleven o'clock, I haven't done that in months. I then went shopping and took myself out to an amazing expensive lunch. And after that I went home for a nap. Sounds good right? Well after that it just gets worse. I had work today, and it too started really well. But then my mum texted me to say my letter from Vanderbilt arrived. She asked if she could open it, and I said no. I wanted to read it if I was rejected. But then the night continued on and knowing the letter was just sitting on my glass table at home started to nag at me. So I asked my mum to open it, but of course at this point her phone is off and so is broski. So I wait for a few hours preparing myself to open it at home. But then I got a text from my mum saying I didn't get it. And to be honest I was really upset, I still am.

All of a sudden I have all these emotions running through me, and I wanna cry. I keep thinking about Brad and then Vandi, between the two I feel like a mess. But then Charlotte started texting me and we've made plans to meet up this week, and I get excited. I wish Savy would call me back, or even respond to my texts. If she were going through what I am right now I would totally be there for her. So why isn't she here for me now? I know she's in Miami but even from there she can pick up the FUCKING phone and ask me how I'm doing. God knows I've spent plenty of nights dealing with her Ausar bullshit. I feel like she owes me now.

Anyway for now I don't feel so hot. But I do realize I have gotten into two great schools (Syracuse and Northeastern) and things will keep getting better and better. 

After Sixteen Months of Bullshit......

After sixteen months of bullshit Brad and I are done. I don't want that to sounds aggressive or even like we were an item, because we weren't, but we're done. What a contradiction of a sentence. After feeling like an asshole all day I apologized. And later said to him, in our brief conversation, that this was not what I wanted.

What did I want? What do I want? He seemed so thoughtful and sincere when he asked me if he had done something wrong to upset me. And then when I told him things were done. He apologized for his caviler attitude toward fucking not being becoming of him. Did he mean it? Why didn't we become something more? And why do I care so much when he clearly doesn't. Or maybe I'm just scared. I'm terrified no one will ever want me. But I know that's just in my head and that this fear is just irrational, and I will get over it.

Anyway it's funny to think that Savy wasn't the person I talked to about this, but Rico. Maybe things are shifting a bit more. Maybe this will shift me towards something good and new.

But for now I feel a little sad. It's an end of an era. 

Do My Antics Make Me A Bad Person?

I feel awful. I feel like a complete asshole of a human being, but am I really? Probably. Last night I was going to hang out with Rico, someone I've known for awhile but become friends with again recently. Just as Rico began to bail Brad texted wanting to "hangout out." I said yes. And then got a text from Rico saying he could hangout out with me and his guys. So I told Brad to stop driving it was going to be awhile before we could hangout. And then it turns out he was on my street. I had previously told him I was having a family birthday, and that it was going to take hours so he should leave and I would text him later. Meanwhile Rico's friends, Bobby & Will, had called me to say they were on their way to pick me up. So I left and hung out with them, where upon Rico officially bailed on us. Well the three of us smoked hung out and decided to get food. This is where it gets messy. After ordering my food who happens to walk in, but Brad. Did he see me, I think so, but I am not positive. Anyway the boys started to talk about the preppy douche. Who was this preppy douche you ask, none other than Brad. I just sat in silence eating my burger. When I finally had the guts to turn my head around he wasn't there.

So the question I pose. Am I really an asshole for blowing off Brad, someone who just wanted to fuck me? Or is it okay because I'm trying to make new friends? Or maybe this is just my false justification for my behavior. 

Check Me Out With My Work Clothes & Money

So it's 12:45 and I just got home from work. Ahhh it's been a very long week, even though I only had four days of school. I've been dealing with readjusting to coming back home, we've had a guest staying at our house, and there's been a crisis in yearbook. Anyway I went to school today, left a little early, and immediately started an eight hour work shift.

I look back to two months ago when I was nervous about waitressing and I laugh a little. I still get a little nervous when I'm with the customers or before a big shift, but it's not as scary as I thought it would be. There is something so amazingly satisfying about walking out of work with a hundred and fifty dollars cash, in your back pocket, and having it all be money you made on that one shift. It's liberating!

On my walk home tonight I was taken aback by how beautiful the cathedral looked in the dark and then I remembered how amazing this city is. I absolutely love it! And then a nice looking guy said hi to me in a cute flirty kind of way, which totalled boosted my self esteem. You know you're looking good when someone starts to check you out even though you're wearing a hideous work outfit. 

My Afternoon

I'm back home and as I began to unpack earlier I realized how much my trip has impacted me. I'm starting to realize how much things are going to change. I feel relieved, terrified, excited, overwhelmed. I can begin to picture my life in England which creates a swirl of emotions within. But as I unpack I also acknowledge the fact that for the first time I can control the pace of my life and that I must treasure the time I have left in DC. Whether I stay for another 6 months of 12 I need to really appreciate it I think.

I can't believe graduation is just 14 weeks away, that's less than 4 months! And so for the next 40 days I'm going to work towards a better me, it's Lent also. I don't want to have any regrets when I leave Field. I think what I need to do is just keep my head down and work. If I do that I think I can leave feeling very
accomplished.

The picture below shows my schedule for the day. I find that senioritis is striking me and the ability want or even do work is increasingly decreasing. I have to get my shit together and so I have taken to writing lists.

Now at 8:20 I have yet to complete my physics but I have done my reading. Let's see how much I actually do. I also start boot camp in the morning, and am still jet lagged. Oh god, I hope I get everything done?!

Leaving Stockholm

Once again I'm leaving Stockholm and Hanna. This time there are no plans to return within the next month, but that's okay. I've realized that the next time I come back to this wonderful country my life will be completely different. And so I must spend the next 3 1/2 months focusing on finishing the school year on a positive note. I know that sounds totally cheesy and corn, but it is totally true. I've put in too much work and lost too much sleep to just throw away my last few months at school. It's going to be a struggle I know, but the end result will be so great. I'm off to London now to spend some time with my Aunt and interview with the Universities that I've applied to. Ohhhh God I hope I get into one of them. I've been rejected by two and now have two left. The odds are terrifying and my nerves are shot! Leaving now. Will write more later.

xx 

The Problem With Flying.... You Can't Fart

OK. So I went to Sweden, came back, turned eighteen, and now I'm in Oxford. Ohhh so much has happened and I promise I will update you, but I just wanted to say I'm visiting Hanna in Stockholm once again. A little more than a month after I left. Oh my dear I feel like such a jet setter sometimes, but I'm not actually. Sometimes you just have to see the people that you love. Even if that means flying 4000 miles to see them. The only problem with that is that you can't fart in a plane. Have you ever thought about that? On a plane if you have to fart you can't only because everyone will know it came from you, since you're in such a tight place and all. Anyway I know it's quite apparent that I'm not my usual self, since it is 4 in the morning and I'm totally drunk, but we're not telling anyone are we? I'll update you more later on the major epic events that have been my life in the last 2 months.

xx me 

And So A Year Ends & New One Begins....

What a year it has been. For the last few years I've always been happy and grateful for the year to end, having been filled with: pain, suffering, and drama. And though this year has had its fair share of family drama I've discovered more about who I am and who I want to be. Though Hanna may have left there has been no tragedy in my life and I am no longer dealing with the aftermath of what happened to me.

In recap: The year started off with of family drama and ending, I believe, with some kind of family peace. Us three siblings finally met Pierre Timothy Bergen a few days after Christmas, however, as the Bergen way, there was of course some kind of drama. The morning of the meeting I woke up to my mum screaming and unfairly questioning with whom our (us kids) loyalties lay. In the end though all that matters is that we met him and I believe a new bridge has been made between our families. I see things getting better and not worse.

I sent out all my American university applications today and plan on my return home sending my English applications. It still all seems so surreal. Having Charlie home made me realize that I'm really growing up, and I'm beginning to get slightly scared. Though I haven't need my mum for awhile it's been nice knowing she's there. All of a sudden I'm going to be sent into the big bad world all by myself. What if I can't make it?

I'm sitting at the airport writing this and it's starting to hit me that in 24 hours I'm going to see Hanna. Ahhhh I'm so excited!  I haven't really allowed myself to becomes excited until now. I've been missing her so much recently, it amazes me that I haven't seen her in four months. I can't wait for the "unholy trinity" to be together again. Ohhh the trouble we will get into in Stockholm!

And so I say goodbye to 2011 and hello 2012, I know you will be a good year! 

And So Second Semester Year Begins....

I finished my last exam and I am on VACATION! The next time I show up at school I'll be 18, legal. Woooohhh things are a changing. I'm so excited; I'm seeing Charlie in five days, my aunt and uncle are coming into town for Christmas, I'm sending in my applications, and I'm seeing Hanna in 16 days! It's unbelievable to think that when I first started writing this Hanna was still in town.

It slightly terrifies me because I'm becoming so aware of how much things are changing, how much we're actually growing up. I feel I'm being faced with more responsibilities these days, that my actions can really impact others. I know that sounds stupid to say since we learn this lesson at a very early age, but this time my actions have bigger ramifications.

My eighth grader at school, told me some stuff today, and I don't know what to do with this information. Well, actually I do. I have to talk to her head of middle school, but I don't want to do anything that might hurt our relationship. I fell slightly bad breaking her trust, but I think in this situation I need to. It's like the Savy and Ausar situation.

Today I nearly told her that the reason her parents found out about him being in the ghetto shelter was because of me. But then I remembered her parents asking me not to. And the fact that Savy would hate me for this. But this was in her best intrest, and we're family. Family protects family even when the other doesn't even realize they're helping them. I know to most this wouldn't seem like a very valid excuse. But in my head it makes complete sense.

Unfortunately I have some last minute shit to finish up. But I'm going to do it in the next few days rather than later, so that I can fully enjoy Christmas & Charlie's return. I know I won't get very many gifts but I don't really care. I can't remember the last time I was this excited for Christmas!

And Second Semester Senior Begins with a very good start..... More to come. 

The Times Are A Changing

Yesterday I took the ACT, my last of numerous exams to get into university, and it really hit me how much things are about to change. I've been thinking about growing up for years and what life is going to look like beyond D.C. but I was so taken off guard when I realized it is actually happening. However, this realization made me consider some other things in my life. I really and truly want to become an engineer, which means I can't fuck my life.

Step One: Stop smoking weed. Yesterday was the second time I smoked in 7 weeks, I had a tiny moment of weakness last week after my SAT IIs went horribly. But I'm really proud of myself. I for the most part stuck to my promise and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. There were a few fleeting moments where I could have killed for a J but I don't really want that anymore.

Step Two: Love Savy but realize she is not going down the same path as me. Yesterday we had the conversation with most couples in our grade have together when they talk about life after high school. To be honest I don't think we quite finished it, our high asses, but I do think it opened the doors to future conversations.  Savy, bless her soul, will always be a little bit of a mess. And I hope with time she will sort herself out, but I can't continue trying to fix all her problems. I think I am the last person to realize that in many ways. Jaime & Cindy know that Savy's a wild card they told me so last week but it's one of the hardest things to accept. I hate watching her run her life amuck but I can't keep trying to save her, it's exhausting, all I can do is love her. As horrible and as hard as this is to admit to myself I see myself distancing myself from her. Yesterday I told her "we are family & that I loved her" and I meant that. She agreed but had no knowing of why I was saying that. Yesterday I nearly told her a secret that would rock our friendship but I knew not to, because we our family my job is to protect her even when she doesn't realize she needs it. Maybe that's how I justify my behavior. I will always be there for her, but I will no longer participate in her trajectory downwards.

Savy has never been very good at lying to me and yesterday I realized she was hiding something from me. She was getting our friend, Rosie (who I'm half friends with) to write her English paper for her. Savy excused her behavior by stating that she had just been overwhelmed with studying for her Algebra II exam. In all honest if she hadn't been fucking about getting high almost everyday and going to see Ausar she would have been able to write the paper, study, and do other homework. That's what most people do, Savy just doesn't have her priorities set.  In the past I would have resented her for this behavior, because I know she'll get away with it and never learn. But now I just don't care. I made clear to her I was not responsible for any of this and if she were to get caught I would not be accountable in any kind of way. Sometimes all I wish was for Savy to get in real trouble and face some real consequences, because until then she'll never learn. I love Savy but I've come to accept that I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm sad that it's come to this but I'm grown up enough now to know this what needs to happen.

Step Three: I made a promise to myself last march that before I graduated I would run a half marathon. And that's what I'm going to do. On March 17, 2012 I will be running my first of many half marathons, I hope. I think this will help me get my together, look hot for university, and help me in the beginning stages of quitting weed.

Step Four: Make more friends. Spending more time with new people will help me break away from Savy a bit. 

A Desire To Be Intellectual

I find myself craving to become an intellectual. In all honesty it has completely caught me off guard. My my it amazes me how people can change so much. It wouldn't necessarily call myself shallow, but it's a character I can easily portray. It's a character in many ways I have forced upon myself due to family beliefs. I know that in my family many people, but not all, expect me to play a certain role, the "beautiful" but troublesome child. The one who knows how to create utter havoc but can also be charmingly deceitful. While my sister is the slightly awkward brilliant intellectual who goes to Oxford. A few months ago I may have resigned myself to that role quite comfortably, picking up people magazine or Cosmopolitan. But now I find myself having urges to discover more beyond that. I find myself  overwhelmed with wanting to know so much more about the world but I have no clue what I want to know or how to find it. Yes there is the obvious New York Time & the internet, but the concept of an intellectual is so broad it's overwhelming.

Knowing that I want to go to an English university has made me realize that I need to change in many ways, broaden my horizons. Maybe put down the star magazine and pick up the economist, but it also totally terrifies me. What if I can't keep up with the english kids? What if they think I'm just some dumb loud American? And maybe this is all just really stupid. Could it be that the girl who thought she was all grown up really isn't?

This weekend my dad told me about how when one of his brothers was my age and taking physics he was "getting high off of the stuff." At first I didn't understand what my dad was talking about, and thought he possibly may have been high himself or was implying that my uncle was getting high and then studying. But then I understood. My uncle was so in awe of the material he was learning, understand how the universe actually works, that he was getting a high from it. And I completely and utterly understand. Physics is one of the hardest classes I've ever taken, but there's a certain "high" one can acquire from getting a problem right or understand what happens when a person in a car slams on their breaks and is thrown backwards. The high is very different from previous highs that I've experienced, but in an amazing and epic way. I miss smoking I do, but this is so much better. Sometimes in class everything just clicks and when it does I get this insane urge to learn more or do another problem. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Could it be that my path to becoming an intellectual does start with reading Plato's Republic or Machiavelli's The Prince but with physics?

In many ways I find it incredibly difficult to broaden myself intellectually because it makes me most vulnerable. And that is why it is so easy for me to portray a fake and superficial individual. Perhaps the first step to becoming an intellectual is by admitting a desire to be one.

A Horrible Night

My morning started hella early, earlier than a normal school day in fact. I woke up at 7 am to take the SAT, which didn't end till 1:07 PM. What the fuck. But to be honest it wasn't that bad. I was actually excited. While peeing in the ghetto bathroom stall I realized I was in the midst of paving my way to my future, and as corny as that sounds, it's totally true. These series of tests that I'm taking will determine which school I go to. It's frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. After the test I went to the library for a few hours to go do some homework and then went to tutoring with my dad for physics. And as lame, as Savy put it, as that sounds it wasn't. I've realized that I haven't been going my full potential. My partying, late night antics, and pot smoking have gotten in the way of who I can be, and I'm terrified. Savy surrounds herself with the ghetto (it's the only word I can think of ) people, and I'm petrified of becoming one of them. She went from Ausaur, a black boy from Takohma who had to repeat his senior year of high school, to Yan, a Russian who was arrested last night for punching a boy at a football game. I want neither kind in my life.

Today I was promised a night of drinking margarita's with the Sanchez family and enjoying a delicious meal. Instead Yan & his friend's from Ohio came over. They immediately pulled out the Rum, and Savy & Yan began "coupling." I'm all for that but do I really want to spend my one free night watching guys play Grand Theft Auto and Savy and Yan hook up and then be ditched so she can have sex? No. The whole thing was just so horribly awkward because she invited other people too. Actually isn't wasn't just awkward it was embarrassing. She invited Sara, a girl I was once really close friends with, and am now reconnecting with, and hardly talked to her because she was too busy mopping up Yan's puke and then fucking him.

I've reached a fork in the road & don't know how to handle the situation. I love Savy dearly, we are family, but I don't want that lifestyle any more and won't put up with it. Maybe it doesn't need to be either or. But I have a nagging suspicion that without following in Savy's lifestyle our relationship will drastically change, and that really terrifies me. Tonight I left. I decided I had had enough and had better things to do with my time. So midst fucking Yan I knocked on her door asking to unlock it so I could get my things and left. On the ride home Sara & I had a wonderful conversation. I see a silver lining to a bitter rain cloud. But what will become of all of this?  

A Good Day

Today was a good day. A really good day. For some odd reason I was exhausted, even though I went to bed at 9:30 the previous night, and kept falling asleep in my classes and then on the bus ride to championships. Maybe I was just in a state of hibernation to prepare my for championships. Most people were worried about championships, I just blocked them out all day. Refusing to acknowledge that they were happening. Today I really realized I can do anything. Less than halfway through the race I started to a get a "stitch," as I used to call them, in my side. Most likely due to not having drunk enough water. Then and there I wanted to stop and give up, but then I remembered my mum was going to be there and I wanted her to see me complete my first and only race she'd ever watch. There was something really uplifting about seeing her cheer me on which just kept me going. And slowly I began to pass a few people.

My goal was to finish the race in under 30 minutes, which unfortunately did not happen. I did however manage to get another PR. I finished my last race for Field at 30:06. I've never been much into the whole RARA school spirit stuff, but it was different today. I stayed with my mum after my race to cheer on the boys and then wait for ages to hear the final results. Girls made 7th place, not last yay. And boys made 2nd. Today I was extremely proud to be a cross country runner for Field and even happier to be finished with cross country. But as I type this I realize I'm going to miss cross country; my runs in the woods with Dorean & Maddy, my solo runs to the Cathedral, hating Jesse for making us do such grueling practices but loving the after effects. I hate to say this but I think I may have fallen in love with running. 

Cross Country Championships

Cross Country championships are tomorrow and I have to say I'm really excited. My coach reminded us all that all out hard work has gone toward this one goal, championships. And it's true I have done a lot of work for this one event. I have a goal in mind, but I'm not going to write it down because I don't want to jinx it. I talked to Hanna the day before yesterday and I was telling her how proud I was that I hadn't dropped out, and I am. Today all we had to do was run a mile and do four strides on the field. It reminded me of the first day of preseason when I did the same run, yet much slower. I proud of how far I've come so far.

Speaking of being proud and how far I've come I think I may have made a new friend at school. Today I really got to talking to one of the girls in my year on the team and we really hit it off. I hope that more comes of this, and that it wasn't just a one off thing. I wish I hadn't been so dismissive of my grade in previous years. I wish I had tried more to get to know them. And not just written them off and boring idiots who didn't understand me. Well there's nothing I can do about it now just look forward.  I need to reminded myself though to keep branching out and not allow myself to retreat to my comfy bubble. 

Community Service: Part of a Journey

I've got to complete 60 hours of community service before I graduate in June, and in all honestly I've only completed about 12 of them. But I now know what I'm going to do.....

The last six years and something months have been a journey for me. The trauma of knowing something horrible happened to me but not quite understanding fully what, the horrendous diagnosis of herpes at age 12,  finally admitting my rape, and in between that three stays at the psyche ward at Children's Hospital. What happened to me was beyond horrible. I still don't understand how such evil can exist in the world, but I know it does. I was forced to grow up way too young, but I am strong and know I can face whatever challenges I face. I still cry for the poor innocent girl, but I have moved on. I am healing. For the first time in my life what happened to me isn't the biggest thing in my life. Though I still have bad days I have more good ones. In the process of moving on I think I should go help children, like me, who have encountered similar evil and our now attempting to rebuild their lives.

During the first two years I was paralyzed by fear, constantly afraid and on edge, yet there was one place where I felt totally safe. This place was called Safe Shores. The place was warm and cosy, filled with lovely people who worked my case and provided me with psychiatric help I so desperately needed, and all for free.  It was where I first went to tell my story. And then every Tuesday for 20 months I showed up for therapy, at the exact same time. They knew me by name and always fed me the same thing, Cheez-itz, apple juice, & a mini pizza. This may seem trivial and stupid, but for someone who's life was turned upside down & completely shattered this consistency was the one thing I could count on. I will always be so in debt to these people. I hope they know how much they saved me. I guess I hope I can give a little back, maybe to another little girl who feels just as broken and helpless as I did then.