And So A Year Ends & New One Begins....

What a year it has been. For the last few years I've always been happy and grateful for the year to end, having been filled with: pain, suffering, and drama. And though this year has had its fair share of family drama I've discovered more about who I am and who I want to be. Though Hanna may have left there has been no tragedy in my life and I am no longer dealing with the aftermath of what happened to me.

In recap: The year started off with of family drama and ending, I believe, with some kind of family peace. Us three siblings finally met Pierre Timothy Bergen a few days after Christmas, however, as the Bergen way, there was of course some kind of drama. The morning of the meeting I woke up to my mum screaming and unfairly questioning with whom our (us kids) loyalties lay. In the end though all that matters is that we met him and I believe a new bridge has been made between our families. I see things getting better and not worse.

I sent out all my American university applications today and plan on my return home sending my English applications. It still all seems so surreal. Having Charlie home made me realize that I'm really growing up, and I'm beginning to get slightly scared. Though I haven't need my mum for awhile it's been nice knowing she's there. All of a sudden I'm going to be sent into the big bad world all by myself. What if I can't make it?

I'm sitting at the airport writing this and it's starting to hit me that in 24 hours I'm going to see Hanna. Ahhhh I'm so excited!  I haven't really allowed myself to becomes excited until now. I've been missing her so much recently, it amazes me that I haven't seen her in four months. I can't wait for the "unholy trinity" to be together again. Ohhh the trouble we will get into in Stockholm!

And so I say goodbye to 2011 and hello 2012, I know you will be a good year! 

And So Second Semester Year Begins....

I finished my last exam and I am on VACATION! The next time I show up at school I'll be 18, legal. Woooohhh things are a changing. I'm so excited; I'm seeing Charlie in five days, my aunt and uncle are coming into town for Christmas, I'm sending in my applications, and I'm seeing Hanna in 16 days! It's unbelievable to think that when I first started writing this Hanna was still in town.

It slightly terrifies me because I'm becoming so aware of how much things are changing, how much we're actually growing up. I feel I'm being faced with more responsibilities these days, that my actions can really impact others. I know that sounds stupid to say since we learn this lesson at a very early age, but this time my actions have bigger ramifications.

My eighth grader at school, told me some stuff today, and I don't know what to do with this information. Well, actually I do. I have to talk to her head of middle school, but I don't want to do anything that might hurt our relationship. I fell slightly bad breaking her trust, but I think in this situation I need to. It's like the Savy and Ausar situation.

Today I nearly told her that the reason her parents found out about him being in the ghetto shelter was because of me. But then I remembered her parents asking me not to. And the fact that Savy would hate me for this. But this was in her best intrest, and we're family. Family protects family even when the other doesn't even realize they're helping them. I know to most this wouldn't seem like a very valid excuse. But in my head it makes complete sense.

Unfortunately I have some last minute shit to finish up. But I'm going to do it in the next few days rather than later, so that I can fully enjoy Christmas & Charlie's return. I know I won't get very many gifts but I don't really care. I can't remember the last time I was this excited for Christmas!

And Second Semester Senior Begins with a very good start..... More to come. 

The Times Are A Changing

Yesterday I took the ACT, my last of numerous exams to get into university, and it really hit me how much things are about to change. I've been thinking about growing up for years and what life is going to look like beyond D.C. but I was so taken off guard when I realized it is actually happening. However, this realization made me consider some other things in my life. I really and truly want to become an engineer, which means I can't fuck my life.

Step One: Stop smoking weed. Yesterday was the second time I smoked in 7 weeks, I had a tiny moment of weakness last week after my SAT IIs went horribly. But I'm really proud of myself. I for the most part stuck to my promise and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. There were a few fleeting moments where I could have killed for a J but I don't really want that anymore.

Step Two: Love Savy but realize she is not going down the same path as me. Yesterday we had the conversation with most couples in our grade have together when they talk about life after high school. To be honest I don't think we quite finished it, our high asses, but I do think it opened the doors to future conversations.  Savy, bless her soul, will always be a little bit of a mess. And I hope with time she will sort herself out, but I can't continue trying to fix all her problems. I think I am the last person to realize that in many ways. Jaime & Cindy know that Savy's a wild card they told me so last week but it's one of the hardest things to accept. I hate watching her run her life amuck but I can't keep trying to save her, it's exhausting, all I can do is love her. As horrible and as hard as this is to admit to myself I see myself distancing myself from her. Yesterday I told her "we are family & that I loved her" and I meant that. She agreed but had no knowing of why I was saying that. Yesterday I nearly told her a secret that would rock our friendship but I knew not to, because we our family my job is to protect her even when she doesn't realize she needs it. Maybe that's how I justify my behavior. I will always be there for her, but I will no longer participate in her trajectory downwards.

Savy has never been very good at lying to me and yesterday I realized she was hiding something from me. She was getting our friend, Rosie (who I'm half friends with) to write her English paper for her. Savy excused her behavior by stating that she had just been overwhelmed with studying for her Algebra II exam. In all honest if she hadn't been fucking about getting high almost everyday and going to see Ausar she would have been able to write the paper, study, and do other homework. That's what most people do, Savy just doesn't have her priorities set.  In the past I would have resented her for this behavior, because I know she'll get away with it and never learn. But now I just don't care. I made clear to her I was not responsible for any of this and if she were to get caught I would not be accountable in any kind of way. Sometimes all I wish was for Savy to get in real trouble and face some real consequences, because until then she'll never learn. I love Savy but I've come to accept that I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm sad that it's come to this but I'm grown up enough now to know this what needs to happen.

Step Three: I made a promise to myself last march that before I graduated I would run a half marathon. And that's what I'm going to do. On March 17, 2012 I will be running my first of many half marathons, I hope. I think this will help me get my together, look hot for university, and help me in the beginning stages of quitting weed.

Step Four: Make more friends. Spending more time with new people will help me break away from Savy a bit. 

A Desire To Be Intellectual

I find myself craving to become an intellectual. In all honesty it has completely caught me off guard. My my it amazes me how people can change so much. It wouldn't necessarily call myself shallow, but it's a character I can easily portray. It's a character in many ways I have forced upon myself due to family beliefs. I know that in my family many people, but not all, expect me to play a certain role, the "beautiful" but troublesome child. The one who knows how to create utter havoc but can also be charmingly deceitful. While my sister is the slightly awkward brilliant intellectual who goes to Oxford. A few months ago I may have resigned myself to that role quite comfortably, picking up people magazine or Cosmopolitan. But now I find myself having urges to discover more beyond that. I find myself  overwhelmed with wanting to know so much more about the world but I have no clue what I want to know or how to find it. Yes there is the obvious New York Time & the internet, but the concept of an intellectual is so broad it's overwhelming.

Knowing that I want to go to an English university has made me realize that I need to change in many ways, broaden my horizons. Maybe put down the star magazine and pick up the economist, but it also totally terrifies me. What if I can't keep up with the english kids? What if they think I'm just some dumb loud American? And maybe this is all just really stupid. Could it be that the girl who thought she was all grown up really isn't?

This weekend my dad told me about how when one of his brothers was my age and taking physics he was "getting high off of the stuff." At first I didn't understand what my dad was talking about, and thought he possibly may have been high himself or was implying that my uncle was getting high and then studying. But then I understood. My uncle was so in awe of the material he was learning, understand how the universe actually works, that he was getting a high from it. And I completely and utterly understand. Physics is one of the hardest classes I've ever taken, but there's a certain "high" one can acquire from getting a problem right or understand what happens when a person in a car slams on their breaks and is thrown backwards. The high is very different from previous highs that I've experienced, but in an amazing and epic way. I miss smoking I do, but this is so much better. Sometimes in class everything just clicks and when it does I get this insane urge to learn more or do another problem. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Could it be that my path to becoming an intellectual does start with reading Plato's Republic or Machiavelli's The Prince but with physics?

In many ways I find it incredibly difficult to broaden myself intellectually because it makes me most vulnerable. And that is why it is so easy for me to portray a fake and superficial individual. Perhaps the first step to becoming an intellectual is by admitting a desire to be one.

A Horrible Night

My morning started hella early, earlier than a normal school day in fact. I woke up at 7 am to take the SAT, which didn't end till 1:07 PM. What the fuck. But to be honest it wasn't that bad. I was actually excited. While peeing in the ghetto bathroom stall I realized I was in the midst of paving my way to my future, and as corny as that sounds, it's totally true. These series of tests that I'm taking will determine which school I go to. It's frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. After the test I went to the library for a few hours to go do some homework and then went to tutoring with my dad for physics. And as lame, as Savy put it, as that sounds it wasn't. I've realized that I haven't been going my full potential. My partying, late night antics, and pot smoking have gotten in the way of who I can be, and I'm terrified. Savy surrounds herself with the ghetto (it's the only word I can think of ) people, and I'm petrified of becoming one of them. She went from Ausaur, a black boy from Takohma who had to repeat his senior year of high school, to Yan, a Russian who was arrested last night for punching a boy at a football game. I want neither kind in my life.

Today I was promised a night of drinking margarita's with the Sanchez family and enjoying a delicious meal. Instead Yan & his friend's from Ohio came over. They immediately pulled out the Rum, and Savy & Yan began "coupling." I'm all for that but do I really want to spend my one free night watching guys play Grand Theft Auto and Savy and Yan hook up and then be ditched so she can have sex? No. The whole thing was just so horribly awkward because she invited other people too. Actually isn't wasn't just awkward it was embarrassing. She invited Sara, a girl I was once really close friends with, and am now reconnecting with, and hardly talked to her because she was too busy mopping up Yan's puke and then fucking him.

I've reached a fork in the road & don't know how to handle the situation. I love Savy dearly, we are family, but I don't want that lifestyle any more and won't put up with it. Maybe it doesn't need to be either or. But I have a nagging suspicion that without following in Savy's lifestyle our relationship will drastically change, and that really terrifies me. Tonight I left. I decided I had had enough and had better things to do with my time. So midst fucking Yan I knocked on her door asking to unlock it so I could get my things and left. On the ride home Sara & I had a wonderful conversation. I see a silver lining to a bitter rain cloud. But what will become of all of this?  

A Good Day

Today was a good day. A really good day. For some odd reason I was exhausted, even though I went to bed at 9:30 the previous night, and kept falling asleep in my classes and then on the bus ride to championships. Maybe I was just in a state of hibernation to prepare my for championships. Most people were worried about championships, I just blocked them out all day. Refusing to acknowledge that they were happening. Today I really realized I can do anything. Less than halfway through the race I started to a get a "stitch," as I used to call them, in my side. Most likely due to not having drunk enough water. Then and there I wanted to stop and give up, but then I remembered my mum was going to be there and I wanted her to see me complete my first and only race she'd ever watch. There was something really uplifting about seeing her cheer me on which just kept me going. And slowly I began to pass a few people.

My goal was to finish the race in under 30 minutes, which unfortunately did not happen. I did however manage to get another PR. I finished my last race for Field at 30:06. I've never been much into the whole RARA school spirit stuff, but it was different today. I stayed with my mum after my race to cheer on the boys and then wait for ages to hear the final results. Girls made 7th place, not last yay. And boys made 2nd. Today I was extremely proud to be a cross country runner for Field and even happier to be finished with cross country. But as I type this I realize I'm going to miss cross country; my runs in the woods with Dorean & Maddy, my solo runs to the Cathedral, hating Jesse for making us do such grueling practices but loving the after effects. I hate to say this but I think I may have fallen in love with running. 

Cross Country Championships

Cross Country championships are tomorrow and I have to say I'm really excited. My coach reminded us all that all out hard work has gone toward this one goal, championships. And it's true I have done a lot of work for this one event. I have a goal in mind, but I'm not going to write it down because I don't want to jinx it. I talked to Hanna the day before yesterday and I was telling her how proud I was that I hadn't dropped out, and I am. Today all we had to do was run a mile and do four strides on the field. It reminded me of the first day of preseason when I did the same run, yet much slower. I proud of how far I've come so far.

Speaking of being proud and how far I've come I think I may have made a new friend at school. Today I really got to talking to one of the girls in my year on the team and we really hit it off. I hope that more comes of this, and that it wasn't just a one off thing. I wish I hadn't been so dismissive of my grade in previous years. I wish I had tried more to get to know them. And not just written them off and boring idiots who didn't understand me. Well there's nothing I can do about it now just look forward.  I need to reminded myself though to keep branching out and not allow myself to retreat to my comfy bubble. 

Community Service: Part of a Journey

I've got to complete 60 hours of community service before I graduate in June, and in all honestly I've only completed about 12 of them. But I now know what I'm going to do.....

The last six years and something months have been a journey for me. The trauma of knowing something horrible happened to me but not quite understanding fully what, the horrendous diagnosis of herpes at age 12,  finally admitting my rape, and in between that three stays at the psyche ward at Children's Hospital. What happened to me was beyond horrible. I still don't understand how such evil can exist in the world, but I know it does. I was forced to grow up way too young, but I am strong and know I can face whatever challenges I face. I still cry for the poor innocent girl, but I have moved on. I am healing. For the first time in my life what happened to me isn't the biggest thing in my life. Though I still have bad days I have more good ones. In the process of moving on I think I should go help children, like me, who have encountered similar evil and our now attempting to rebuild their lives.

During the first two years I was paralyzed by fear, constantly afraid and on edge, yet there was one place where I felt totally safe. This place was called Safe Shores. The place was warm and cosy, filled with lovely people who worked my case and provided me with psychiatric help I so desperately needed, and all for free.  It was where I first went to tell my story. And then every Tuesday for 20 months I showed up for therapy, at the exact same time. They knew me by name and always fed me the same thing, Cheez-itz, apple juice, & a mini pizza. This may seem trivial and stupid, but for someone who's life was turned upside down & completely shattered this consistency was the one thing I could count on. I will always be so in debt to these people. I hope they know how much they saved me. I guess I hope I can give a little back, maybe to another little girl who feels just as broken and helpless as I did then.

October & Snowing Out

Everything seems to be going toppsy turvy these days, including the weather & my love life. It's late October and it's hailing and snowing outside.  When in the hell did this start? D.C. in October has always been very pleasant. I remember being able to go trick-or-treating in my little costume without a jacket on. Today I had to wear jeans, a jumper, and jacket to leave the house. This is not the D.C. that I know.  Not that I'm complaining too much. I do realize that weather will be like this 24/7 in England. Anyway,  everything just seems to have been put upside and out of whack these days. I think I may be starting to fall for Brad a little bit, which is really bad. And I don't understand why. We're just meant to be hooking up. Should I just cut my loses and run? Or just stick with it and see what happens? Maybe I've just made this all up in my head, and am really not falling for him. I just don't know what to do. 

Senior Overload

I'm beginning to feel very overwhelmed. The weight of senior year is finally beginning to weigh on my shoulders. I know a good many of my posts have been about how amazing this year has been and will be, and that is all true, but for the first time it's becoming a bit much. Last week was insanely hectic, being the end of the quarter and all. I had tests to take and papers to hand in. Every year I block out how stressful that last week in the quarter is, and then I remember when it begins. But then the memory disappears again. Walking in this Monday morning I though this week would be a breeze. The beginning of a new quarter, nothing much would happen. But all of a sudden it was like I was reliving last week. Today started off really well but something in me clicked just before lunch time and all of a sudden I was in a foul mood.

I'm not doing as well as I would like to be in physics, it has become my hardest class. Today after school my teacher created an extra test for me to take. I spent most the day worrying about it, wondering about how hard it would be. And then I got the test. I sat there for about five minutes just reading the problem out loud over and over again. And then finally the tiniest of lightbulbs went off.  I don't think I aced it but I think I definitely did better of it that I expected. It amazes me how something like that can turn one's mood around so quickly. Taking this class has really made me worry and question whether or not I'll be able to make it at an english university or even hack it out as an engineer. But today gave me just a little more confidence.

I'm also slightly irritated with Savy these days, and I don't know why. I was meant to go to New York with her for the weekend and Halloween, returning late Tuesday night. But I'm not going to go anymore for two reasons. The first being my coach guilted me into not going, championships are Wednesdays. And I just don't think I can afford to miss two days of school without falling behind. But back to Savy. She was really beginning to irritate the hell out of me. I've always known that she isn't the best student, that she's slightly spoilt & selfish, and that she eats with her mouth open. But all of a sudden it's beginning to bother me, and it never did before. Maybe her going away will be the break that we need. Saying that I do have to admit we did have a very nice 30 minute phone conversation while I walked home from school today. 

The Best Friend & The Ex-boyfriend

I’m finding it more and more difficult to deal with Savy and her Ausar issue. Frankly, I’m disgusted with his behavior and am so relieved to have him out of my life. She keeps texting me right now about the situation; how they’re fighting and she feels so guilty, how she misses him, the sex, and the great memories before and after. And all I want to do is shout at her, through text message, of course: “he brought another girl to my part friday night, he treated you horribly, using you, you’re so much better than him, and did I mention he also treated me & Hanna like shit!!!!!!” Yet I don’t. I bite my tongue and keep sympathizing with her. But when is too much, too much? When is this cork, in my “piggy mouth,” going to just pop out, and leave a big ass “Ausar” mark in her Jeep door?

Update: I wrote this two days ago when my internet was down. Savy and Ausar have now decided that they will never see each other again, probably a good idea. I don't know if I actually believe it, but I hope it's true. Also I talked to my guy friend, Alex, about the situation, Savy's also told him stuff. And through talking to him I've decided if by Saturday Savy doesn't shut the fuck up about the situation and continues to mope about it I'll set her straight.

A Party From Hell

Yesterday I had a party. I was hoping for it to be a senior class party with a few other kids from other schools, but very soon I began to loose control of what was happening. Ausar (savy's "ex") showed up with 30 other Wilson kids. I kicked them out but it took an hour. They threatened me several times, and to be honest, they scared me. One threw a rock at me and this morning I found the urn on my front porch flipped upside, and it's heavy as hell.

I've spent the last 5 hours cleaning and doing over six loads of laundry and I'm not angry that I have to clean up by myself I just wish my party had turned out the way I wanted it to go. I guess I still have yet to win over my Field peers, especially the girls. This was supposed to be my shining moment where I let them see how cool I can be (sometimes) & meet fun hostess Bella. I know that sounds totally pathetic but I wanted my class to appreciate what I was trying to do for them. I'm trying to participate and be a part of something.

Senior Year Hostess

So much is happening so fast these days. My mum is in South Africa, so I'm currently staying home alone. It's absolutely amazing! I can't believe how quiet and peaceful the house can sound when Brendan and my mum aren't fighting.

Today was cross country's mid-season challenge. Essentially we're only half way through the season. Last week I hit a point where I was absolutely sick of cross country and couldn't bare to stay any longer. So I skipped practice all well. Not good. But today I did it. I ran my second meet and I completed it without walking. I know this does seem like much. But, comparing it to what I could do in preseason I'm proud. But I can do better. Maybe, I beginning to love this sport, a little bit. Or maybe I don't love it, maybe I need it in my life. I think running provides some much needed balance in it. I'm happier for it, to be honest.

Today, on the ride home from my meet, my coach and teacher, Jesse, started to talk to me. It was a good, honest, conversation. It remind me of how much has changed in six years. And of how he was treating me like a reall adult. Maybe that's what makes senior year, at Field, so great. People treat you better. But my god how much they really have! I've become a little bit of social butterfly, I think. For the first time I'm beginning to really shine, like I know I can.  I'm making friends with other people.

I'm even having a party, Friday. I've got friends to invite. Plus, I want my class to meet fabulous hostess Bella. Everyone loves her. Maybe my job should be being the hostess of the class. I want to participate in making this year a great one! I know I can't shut up about senior year these days, but I just love it so much!


p.s. the original title of this blog was meant to be "love the grind" a phrase our school's and now team psychologist (and former sports psychologist, for the Red Skins)  told us. But that was when most of this blog was meant to be about cross country and not senior year.

Rosha Ganja

So much has happened in this last week, mainly homecoming and all that comes with it. But today is a holiday, Rosha Ganja. A holiday Savy & I obviously came up with. No in reality we had the day off school because it's Rosh Hashanah we decided since we are not jewish to turn it into a holiday we'd love too. So later on today a bunch of Field kids will be coming over to my house to celebrate, while the other half of my class is stuck in temple fasting. Really there is no comparison in holidays. Mine totally wins. Maybe this should become a tradition. Any jewish holiday we have change the name and invite kids over to smoke. I'm amazed by what social butterflies we're turning into.


Well I need to prepare the house with snacks and dryer sheets. But maybe I'll write later on tonight about how the day went. Happy Holidays!

Boys Are Stupid

So as many of you know teenage boys are stupid. This fact has been reiterated to me on numerous occasions but it didn't quite sink in until now. Brad, the guy I'm whatevering, is the perfect example. I realized a long time ago what I wanted from him, and made it quite clear. Maybe I made it clear, too soon, and too loud for him, I don't know. But today he finally made it clear what he wanted from me. Which as it happens is what I wanted from him months ago. As you can guess it's sex.

I spent many occasions obsessing about this non relationship relationship. And finally I realized what I was doing wrong. I was responding to everyone of his texts and just making myself too available to him. Now days I never initiate texts. In the last two months I have sent him exactly one text that is not a text in response to one of his that he sent me. And when he does text me I don't necessary respond right away or respond at all. The tables have been turned and I now have the power, it feels great.

An Epiphany

I had an epiphany yesterday, inspired by the author Norton Juster. He came to school yesterday and told us the story of how he came to write the book "The Phantom Tollbooth." It was a pure accident which he stumbled upon. He made me realize that what I really want to do is build. I'm not sure what exactly but for now that is enough for me. When Brendan was younger every Christmas and birthday he would receive Legos. It was my job to assemble them. I turned the task of building the Legos into a mini competition between myself and I. The goal was to build the Lego set without every looking at the directions. Something I always managed to accomplish.

Sitting by Savy's pool  yesterday on the outside deck. I had a vision of expanding it adding glass and creating a space we could use in winter too. And it really hit me that building was something I was serious about. I've realized the lifestyle I image for my future self is great but I'd rather be happy doing something I love. Hopefully I'll also become rich but if I'm unhappy and rich I'll never be able to appreciate the money. So I choose happiness. Maybe the psychic is right I'm finding my way and straightening out all that is out of sorts.

Playlist: Take It To The Moon

I'm sitting here making a playlist and just chilling. It's so nice. I forgot how much I love music! It use to be such a huge part of my life. I remember living with my uncle and every night after super he'd crank up his old NYC 80s DJ System all the way up. I'm trying to reestablish that in my life, now that I have his record player and records and my stereo. My playlist has a unique combination of artists including; Xahpoon Jones, Wiz, Rilo Kiley, Plan B, Mumford & Sons, Kanye West & Jazy, Fitz & the Tantrums, & Aloe Black, to name a few. But I can't be bothered to write anymore names, because I'm going to go back to making it.
     
       xx B

Remembering 9/11

I can't believe it has been ten years since 9/11. It's odd to think that some children weren't even alive when it happened. I will never forget that day. I stayed home from school and my mum called me into her room and we listened to the radio. I won't forget those images of the towers going down.

I've never seen D.C. under such high alert. There are drug dogs and police officers all over the metro. Streets are blocked off. Cars are patrolling the streets. Last night when I went out there were cops parked on literally every block of D.C. Everyone was on there best driving behavior last night for fear of being pulled over.

On Friday people at school were talking about how there's going to be a terrorist attack. I never thought about it, until last night. Then Savy and I started talking about it and it is a very possible reality. It's actually very frightening.

Jumping The Bat

I'm taking a class called RnR, which stands for Rational and Non-rational Approaches to Meaning. On the first day of class my teacher brought in a bat. He laid it on the floor so it separated us, the students, form him the teacher. He told us we were toeing the line of the bat and in the midst of crossing over it. The transition of moving from childhood to adulthood. As we left out class that day he had all of us jump over the bat. I was the first person of our senior class to jump the bat.

I think the metaphor is a beautiful and fitting one. I was forced to give up my innocence and childhood before most of my peers, but now I'm doing it with them. Though I am very grown up and have had to deal with too many grown up situations I am still a child I realize. And I'm terrified of jumping this bat. Right now I'm treated like an adult but if I screw up people still remember I'm a child. What happens when I do screw up and I'm an adult? I hate transitions and I don't want this to be an awful one for me. What can I do to make this an easy one?

Everything Is Gonna Be Ok

I feel hopeful. I'm three days into my senior year and I feel like everything is going to be okay. I'm being social and making friends. Today I had lunch with the funny black girls,  my god did I laugh. I know school is going to be hard, but I think I can do it. 

Last Day of Summer

Labor Day is here in Washington D.C. and the feeling is bittersweet. Summer is finally ending and senior year is beginning. I'm excited, terrified, and more than a little curious. Where will I be a year from here? How will senior year turn out? Will I get into the college I want to go to?

Anyway I'm going to enjoy the rest of Labor Day by being at family dinner at the Sanchez household, oh family dinner's with Margaritas how I've missed you... 

Christ Inside You

Last night while out and about on a nighttime adventure I met a man who told me he had is penis tattooed. At first I thought he was joking, but quickly realized how utterly serious he was. Apparently he had the words "Jesus Christ" tatted up the shaft of his penis. The reason for getting it done (wait for it) so he could say "you have Christ inside of you." I thought that was one of the most twisted and narcissistic things I had ever heard, but maybe that's just me. Any thoughts?

Just a thought II

Just a though.... 

The students at my school are totally cliquey. The faculty of my school totally cliquey. For every faculty clique there is matching student clique, which click together.

A Wink of Hope

I'm fuming. I'm angry. I'm sad. Last night I had dinner with my uncle, Peter. Prior to dinner I was a bundle of nerves. I had finally apologized to him and his wife, multiple times, for my behavior and I was going to see his wife for the first time in seven months. His wife who also happens to also seven months pregnant. This is a miracle child. And I am so unbelievable excited for the birth of my baby boy cousin! Yet I fear I will never get to see him. Last night proves my fears could very well may come true. I spent ages picking out the right outfit and the entire walk to his house I psyched myself out. I reminded myself of how happy I've been recently and that everything will be okay. I knew we weren't going to have dinner with my uncle and his wife, he emailed me the night before to tell me she was having dinner with a colleague. After being at his house for about ten minutes I asked where she (his wife, Tresha) was. Peter told me she was getting ready upstairs. When Brendan arrived we stayed at the house for a few more minutes and then we just left. She never came down to say hi. Nothing.

The walk to dinner was so awkward. How is it that three people who use to live together and are biologically related could be so fucking socially awkward with each other?  But after awhile things seemed to get better. Halfway through dinner my uncle winked at me. I don't know why but for some reason it seemed to resonate with me. Could this wink be a glimmer of hope? Will this family be okay?

"No uterus, no comment"

I'm on my way to the OBGYN and I'm slightly hesitant. I initially tried to see a male doctor but unfortunately got stuck with a female. Most people don't seem to understand my hesitation toward having a female doctor but it's a legit one. My policy is no uterus no comment (A line taken from one of my favorite characters Rachel Green).  If I were to have a male doctor we wouldn't be able to judge or lecture me on what I do in my private life. While a female on the other hand may feel she has the right to lecture me. Esentially I just don't want to be lectured.

Yearbook Meeting

Today I met with the new yearbook teacher. I'm not quite sure what she though of me. I think there's a possibility I put her off a bit. I explained to her my OCD like tendencies, which others prceive to be anal, toward my need to have everything parallel and symetircal. I wonder what this class is going to be like...

I think it's all beginning to sink in, I'm about to be a senior. I'm a little bit scared about whether or not I can handle the work load while accepting nothing but excellence from myself. Will I crash under the pressure?

Running Buddies

Athleticism has never been a big deal in my family, with my mum. As a child my two siblings and I were limited to one sport each, one of my mum's many rules. Later on when I asked my mum if I could join a travel soccer team she immediately said. It's not that my mother dislikes sports it that she doesn't appreciate the time they take away from her schedule.

Describing my mum's relationship to athleticism is not meant to by any means put her down but more to emphasize my surprise when I returned to her this summer and she had told me she had taken up running. This is the same woman who told me that running on the street would damage my knees and make me older faster. This afternoon, after only being home for a tense 45 minutes, my mum instructed my brother, in a icy crisp tone of voice, to go on a run. He happily agreed, as long as he away from her he generally agrees. She too decided to go on a run, not long after Brendan left. By chance I was also planning on going for a run.

In the span of 20 minutes my entirely family left separately to go running. Maybe this is just me but I find this quite odd. Do we all dread spending time with each other that much?  Or are we all just trying to get really fit? I was the last to come home by about an hour. When I arrived home my mother was in her room and my brother in his. Are we now using our rooms as tools of escape and avoidence?

The Penthouse

This morning I arrived to my mum's house excited to go to my room. I wasn't excited or delighted to be in the presence of either my brother or mother. The moment I opened the door to my house I knew what to expect; a tension of some sort between my mum and brother. I dread this, I finally realize how it must have felt when Brendan and I were constantly fighting. The only way I seem able to handle it best these days is by fleeing to my room, avoiding contact with them when they are together.

My room has turned into my 700 square foot paradise. Formerly described as "Baghdad" it was littered by an array of things such as; dirty clothes, my sister's traumatized cat Harriet's  urine, empty or sometimes moldy plates and glasses, school papers, and yes sometimes ash. Now a days the carpet can be seen and if asked one could tell you that it is indeed cream coloured, that black stain is just a burn mark. I have spent the last few weeks back reorganizing, rearranging, and cleaning but I believe the name "The Penthouse" can finally be restored to my room.

Barbecue Vs. Hurricane Irene

I'm in a state. Tonight my family is meant to go to a barbecue which will most likely turn into an atomic indoor war zone. Somehow that brother of mine has gotten his godmother to invite both my parents to this event. This is the same godmother who use to be my mum's best friend turned boss. Who later got fired from the company she started and subsequently blames my mother. As one may guess tensions are high between all parties including my father and brother's godmother, for what reason I don't know. But needless to say I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting to see what happens. Maybe hurricane Irene won't be what destroys the city but in fact it will be the sizzling tension erupting from this barbecue.

Hurricane Irene

The good people of our nation's capital, Washington D.C., are beginning to panic. Hurricane Irene is meant to hit us sometime between tonight and early tomorrow, I believe. To tell you the truth I'm not worried. Back in September '04 the good of D.C. also panicked because hurricane Isabel (named after yours truly) was meant to hit us, but nothing really happened. Parts of Maryland did lose power but that's about it. Up until now I had assumed that the same thing would happen with hurricane Irene but maybe that's just stupid. I have this idea that I'll get all curled up in my room and watch the rain just pour down. That's when I love having an attic. That lovely moment when I'm lying in my soft comfy bed, listening to the sound of rain hitting my roof, and watch it pour by the bucket loads from my window.

*****

(Now rereading that last sentence above I realize that that is one of the most cheesy sentences ever  written. But is it true? Yes. )

The Ugly Unavoidable Truth

Today my brother told me it was inevitable that one day I turn into my mother and that he would one day turn into our father. Please sweet Jesus dont' let this be true? I love my parents, I do, but my god do I not want to be true.

I find it almost depressing that someone so young could think something so harsh. But maybe he's just being the realistic and smarter. Why not accept the unavoidable? But for some reason I can't seem to do that. Maybe he's just honest with himself and I delusional with myself. But I think for now I'd rather keep it that way.

A Reaffirming Psychic

After my meeting with my uncle, which went very well, I ambled around Dupont Circle. As I was walking around I saw a sign for a psychic and on a whim decided to walk in. I've always wanted to go see a psychic but never bothered to actually do anything about it.

The whole experiences was... reaffirming. That's the only word I can think of. She read both my palms and spoke of my future relationships, children, the lives I will touch, and my future professionally. But what stuck a chord with me most was when she spoke of how I was recently  coming to terms with my "inner demons," not that she actually used that phrase. She spoke of how there were still lose ends I needed to tie, but the inner peace I was seeking could only be found from within.

Now maybe this is all stuff I knew, and didn't need to pay 20 bucks to find out, but it was nice. It made me believe a little more what I already knew to be true. I'm moving on. I'm finding the closure within.

An Adjusting Family Dynamic

I'm seeing my uncle for the first time in 7 months, exactly. I'm nervous and keep half expecting him to cancel on me. How has it come to this? What if I can't pull this family back together, again?

I told someone the other day that my family is falling apart. I can't remember for the life of me who said it, but they responded by saying "it's not falling apart just re-adapting itself." Maybe this is true. Maybe my family dynamic is adjusting and I'm not adjusting with it. Is it so wrong of me to want certain things to go back?

A Day For Getting Lost

So today I woke up at the usual time, 6 am (I don't even have to get up that early for school), to go to cross country practice. To tell you the truth I am quite surprised and impressed that I've made it three whole days. Last year I quit after day two. But anyway my point is that I got lost. When walking to school I saw an opening to the woods. I've spent years walking by it but have never entered it until today. For some reason I thought I knew my way around the woods and it would be no problem getting to school from there. Well, I was wrong. I was late to practice but on the plus side I did get to miss our two warm up laps.

Today's practice was meant to be a nice slow one. A recovery day from the pain of yesterday. I was only meant to run a total of 2 miles. Easy. My run ended up being 4.75 miles because the person we were running with got us lost... in the woods. Yes, the same woods I got lost in earlier today. We ran about a mile and a half and then turned back because she told us we went the wrong way. So we went back and took a second trail. Half way through the trail we stopped because apparently we went the wrong way. The first trail we had taken was actually the right one. So we ran all the way back to the first trail and finished it though and ran back.

When walking home after practice I decided to take the woods home. I just assumed that since I had already gotten lost twice today I wouldn't get lost a third time. Turns out I was wrong. The path I took went on for 25 minutes and once the path ended I realized I had only actually gone two city blocks. Fuck! Did I also mention I had two blisters one either one of my feet?

I'm home now writing this and I'm in completely and utter agony. Yet I feel somehow accomplished. My body's hurting... a hell of a lot, but this is good. It's adapting to the new challenges and obstacles I place in front of it. I can handle it. I know I can.

Earth Mother Fucking Quake

So there was just a 5.8 earthquake in D.C. I was asleep and woke up to my bed shaking and everything else around my shifting. At first I thought it was my brother doing something in his room. Then I thought it was my neighbor's dog freaking out. And then I realized it was an earthquake. I ran out calling for Brendan who was already outside. By then it had stopped and the first thing he says to me is put something on before the after shock.

The boy is more worried about his appearances than that of my safety. What the fuck.

Annoying Guy

I'm on skype, waiting to talk to Hanna. This guy from school is skyping me. I don't really want to talk to him, but I do. Because I'm polite. Of course we talk about college (that's the only thing we have in common). But now I realise how much time this whole college application process is going to take me. Holy Shit. I'm so behind!

******* (a little later)

Am I really that far behind? Ahhh probs not. I think he's probs just one of those people with a neurotic mum. 

Returning To Field

The boyfriend (my mum's) took me paddling boarding yesterday morning. I had to get up at the crack of bloody dawn. Though I admit it was quite fun.

And today I had to get up early for preseason. I'm attempting to be on cross country team. Though I don't know how long this is all going to last. I'm terrified of commitment. But maybe I'll make some friends on the team. Did I also mention I've got a little bit of a competitive streak to me, at times it becomes an issues. But we'll see what happens in time.

For the first time I'm using all these muscles I didn't know existed. And yes there are multiple different ways of interrupting that line...

It was so strange to be at school. Yet it felt completely different. I feel like I'm starting senior year differently than all the others. I feel confident, strong, powerful, and a little smug. They don't know what they've gotten themselves into this year. But I have a feeling I'm gonna rock their world this year. I'm gonna be who I am and who I wanna be.

The Lesbian Dinner

I talked to Hanna today, and it was so great. I know she's only been gone for five days but it seems so much longer. I gotta say I love love love modern technology. It was like we were with each other again. 

But that's just an aside. Today's blog is about the "lesbian dinner," tonight. My new lesbian neighbor's are coming over for super, at mí casa. Techincally speaking they're not new. But actually moved in last July. However I did only meet one of the the day before yesterday. So kinda new to me.

Anyway my mum's boyfriend is cooking supper. We're eating halibut, with fingerling potatoes, and a three type tomato salad. Followed by ice cream and fruits. Yum...

I don't know what to think of this diner, except puzzled. I still can't tell what to think of my mum's boyfriend and I don't knows these women. Who by the way, could very well tell my mum about the shit I've been up to, when she's away. But I doubt they'll say anything (please God!). Could this dinner end in tears?Possibly. Will it? No. 

Just A Thought:

(Today was a good day, though. My brother, Brendan, and my mum didn't get into any major fights. And I had a nice conversation with my mum. I finally really felt like she saw how I was try to let go,  move on, and be happy. I finally feel like everything just keeps better and better. I'm excited to move on, but knowing that I'm leaving DC on my terms. Having put everything to rest.

I don't know what this blog is going to be about. But maybe its actually about my time in preparing to leave D.C., inspired by Hanna. My time dealing with my currently explosive and feuding family. The process of moving on from what happened to me. Leaving Field and getting into university. And my relationship with Savy, potential boys (Brad), and everyone else.) 

Just Saying

I gotta say I think there's a little bit of magic in the world. I mean the little bit of sparkle in the world. When things that shouldn't happen do, only because you're a good person. I don't know maybe that's just called Karma. But there's something out there that pushes this world and these people towards good and not evil. 

Anyway it was just a little idea. (Maybe, I'll start doing this more often.)

Reentry Into The Friendship Scene

Today I hung out with two boys from a nearby(ish) private school. I spent most of the week in a very zen like state of mind, essentially not thinking or obsessing about what it was going to be like. Recently I've attempted to be more chill, thanks to the influence of Hanna & Savy.

The old me would have obsessed about this meeting for hours on end. What would I wear? Is it okay that my Cosmopolitan is by my bed? Will they think that I'm stupid for reading Cosmo? That sort of stuff.

Anyway back to my original point. I was calm all week up until this morning. And then a slight creeping panic spread across me. What was I going to talk to these boys about? We had nothing in common. It was in this moment that I thought that my friendship with Hanna & Savy left me slightly socially retarded. I am so close to these two individuals, and they with me, that for the most part we have absolutely no filter around each other. All of a sudden I was going to have to think about what was and was not appropriate to say and do in front of other people.

Just before the boys showed up I called Savy in a panic. I left a slightly embarassingly frantic voice mail saying "I had a made a huge mistake and didn't know what to do." Thankful she didn't pick up and I managed to pull my self together in time.

I laugh now think about all of this, but I was also correct. My relationship with Hanna & Savy has allowed me to not need to socialize with others up until now. I feel relief and a sense of accomplishment that I've managed to start making friends on my own. Maybe it is good that both of them are gone for now. I being forced out of my comfort zone and I know I can handle it.

I feel as if I've jumped over one of the first big hurdles, of many for this year, and I feel damn fucking proud (God I'm so modest). 

Hostess on the Verge

I woke up this morning this a huge lump in my stomach. Hanna was leaving. I just lay there for a while not sure really what to do or how to behave. So in usual Bella manner I got dressed and began to preform my hostess duties. While frothing the milk for Simon's, Hanna's brother, café au lait, I called for the cab company to come pick them up. I immediately began to freak out and didn't know what to do so I proceeded to make Hanna a sandwich. While making the sandwich the cab came, and that's when I really began to freak out. I was not about to let her leave without her butter and jelly sandwich. And that's when Hanna said "you're the perfect hostess of the verge of a meltdown." And it was true. We stood there for a minute attempting to hold back tears and then just for a second we both allowed ourselves to let them go.

I don't know what to do now. I feel isolated and lonely, and it's only been a few hours. How do you say goodbye to someone who you've seen nearly ever day for the last four years? I'm slightly more terrified then before and also a bit more revealed. She's gone. I can stop dreading this moment because it's already happened. But now I feel like I've been thrown out into the ocean alone and been told to swim. How do I make new friends? What do normally people do? The three of us isolated ourselves so much from everyone else I feel like I don't know how to interact with everyone else. 

I know the loneliness will subside with time, but God can it just speed up a little more?

The Unholy Trinity Divided

I can't believe Hanna's leaving. It seems so surreal. We all knew this day was inevitable but the fact that it's finally here, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. "The Unholy Trinity," as we're called, is finally being separated. What will happen to us? I really do believe that deep down we (Hanna, Savy, & I) will all remain friends.

As I said to Hanna tonight "the ball is beginning to roll. Are adult lives are finally beginning."  I'm about to enter Senior year. Everything from here on out will be different. This time next year I'll be packing up to move somewhere new. Where I don't know. The idea is slightly frighting, to a control freak like myself, but it's also completely wonderful. I have no idea what to expect for the future. I wish more people would talk about this kind of thing. I know this is happening to other people,  yet most don't seem to acknowledge it.

Will Savy and I be able to make it without Hanna? God, I need more friends. Entering Freshman year I had all these hopes and dreams for high school which were not accomplished. I have one year to try and make them happen, will I be able to do it?


I don't know much these days but I do know that everything is about to change.